Olivia's Dark Nights
by Lady Jayne DeSota
Summary: After her assault at Sealview, Olivia has a hard time readjusting to her normal life. She is battling demons and dangerous addictions from the past. Uncharacteristically risky behavior ensues. Can Olivia save herself? Can anyone save her? *UPDATED*
1. Chapter 1

Olivia's Dark Nights

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, and don't do this for money. I'm just bored.

Author's note: This story takes place after Olivia's assault at Sealview. She has been seeing her boyfriend Leon for about a year.

**Olivia's Dark Nights**

Olivia was still struggling with her sexual assault at Sealview six months after the attack. She remembered it as if it were yesterday. She could see the prison guard's face so clearly. She couldn't get the image of his penis out of her mind. Her stomach churned in disgust just thinking about the ordeal. She had been tortured by these images for six months, and there was no end in sight. She had been to three different therapists, and two separate support groups, but she found no relief. On the outside, she tried to go on with her life as normally as possible. Truthfully, the aftermath of the attack was killing her inside.

"Earth to Olivia.!" Cragen said trying to get her attention.

"Sorry Cap, what were you saying?"

"Are you okay? You have been zoning out a lot lately."

"I'm fine. Just a little distracted."

Cragen looked at her questioningly and continued. "As I was saying, you are due in court tomorrow at nine for the Hollingsworth case. Your report will have to be done before you leave tonight. I know it's short notice. Will that be a problem?"

"No Cap, that's fine. I'll get right on it."

Cragen looked at Olivia as if he was going to say something, but instead turned and went back to his office.

Olivia was nervous about her date that evening. She had been seeing Leon for about a year now. Things were getting serious. Her assault had affected her relationship however. She felt as if she couldn't get close to Leon anymore. There was something that kept her at a safe distance. She knew he noticed the change in her and wasn't happy about it. She hoped he loved her enough to understand. Later that night, Leon and Olivia were alone in her apartment.

"Olivia, is there something wrong? Have I done anything to upset you?"

"No, why do you ask.?"

"You have been growing more and more distant. Even when we are together, its like you are somewhere else; always staring into space. What is wrong?"

"I'm sorry Leon. I'm still dealing with so much from the assault. I'm having a hard time coping, It's just not getting any easier. All the stress at work just makes it harder. Every time a new case comes along, I relive my own assault all over again. Nothing I do stops the images from flashing in my mind."

"Olivia, I'm sick of it! Its always about that job! All I ever hear about is your work, and your assault. I'm sorry that it happened to you, I really am. But its time to let it go! It's over! When does it become about us again? My god you don't pay any attention to me! We haven't had sex in months!"

Olivia's mouth hung open in shock. "Sex, is that all you care about? You don't know me at all!"

"I cared about you until you holed yourself up in your own little world Olivia! I wanted to marry you, but all you have done is push me away! I wanted you back, just as things were a few months ago!"

"I don't believe you! You have no idea what I've been going through! It's not something a person can get over!"

"You know what Olivia, I don't care anymore! I've moved on, and her name is Vanessa!"

"You bastard! Get the hell out of here!"

Olivia was devastated. She threw herself in bed. She was sobbing uncontrollably. She couldn't breathe.

"I can't believe I've ruined another relationship. I ruin everything for myself over and over again!" Olivia thought. She hated herself with a passion. She had nothing left in her life. She felt numb to the core of her soul. Olivia grasped an exacto knife and began making cuts on her upper thigh. Olivia swore to herself years ago she wouldn't start this again. She was a cutter as a teenager and twenty-something. It was her deep dark secret. No one knew about it, not even Elliot. She couldn't help herself. She cried as she cut lines into her flesh. She felt the sting of the cut as the her blood oozed out of the slits. The sight of her own blood seemed to erase some of her pain. She pressed a clean white tissue onto the wounds. She got ready for bed, and took 2 sleeping pills. She was emotionally exhausted. All she wanted to do was sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Olivia's Dark Nights

Disclaimer: I don't make any money from these. However, I am unemployed, and if you need a new writer for SVU, I am available!

Author's note: Please please review! I need to know someone is reading!

**Chapter 2**

When Olivia's alarm rang the next morning, she was too tired to move. She hit the snooze button six times before finally getting out of bed. She felt woozy, almost like she was hung over. If she didn't have court this morning, she would have crawled back into bed and called out sick. She dressed and went through her morning routine, but felt lifeless. Like it was an effort just to stay alive. She decided to go straight to the courthouse. She didn't have the energy to see anyone from work.

"You look like hell." Casey said. "Are you feeling okay?"

"Yeah Case, I'm fine, I had a late night." Olivia lied. "I'm just tired."

"Why don't you go home? The bags under your eyes are terrible, and you look awfully pale."

"I have too much work to do to stay home in bed all day!" Olivia snapped. "Casey, I'm sorry. Leon and I had a fight last night and broke up. I…"

"Liv its fine, I understand. Why don't we talk over dinner. We can go to Gypsy's. I'll pick you up at your place at eight."

Olivia smiled at her friend. "That sounds great Case. I'll see you then."

Olivia was quieter then normal at work all day. Her co-workers noticed she was even less of herself then normal, but didn't want to pry into her business. Elliot had heard her crying in the locker room. He knew Olivia well enough not to ask her about it. She would deny anything was wrong. She was stubborn and would only talk when she was ready to. Elliot hoped she would not wait long. It took a lot to make Olivia cry; especially at work.

The night before with Leon replayed in Olivia's head like a bad youtube video. Tears dripped down Olivia's olive cheeks. She tried to hide her tears, but Fin came up and put his hand on her shoulder.

"Liv, what's wrong? What's goin on? You ain't acting like yourself."

"Fin, I'm sorry I can't talk about it right now."

Olivia was shaking. She had to get out of there. It was only four o'clock, but she grabbed her jacket and bag, & literally ran out the door.

"Elliot, what's goin on with Liv? She's real upset about something, but won't say what."

"The Captain and I noticed too, but haven't said anything. We're afraid if we approach her, she push us back even more then she already has. I know Olivia. She will only talk when she is ready. I hope she doesn't take long."

"Me too man. She doesn't look too good either. Did you see the dark circles under her eyes? I hope she's not sick."

Olivia ran into her apartment crying hysterically. She couldn't live like this anymore. She was tired of her life. She destroyed all her relationships, both romantic and platonic. She would be alone forever. The thought was too much to bear. She began cutting herself again. She cut deeper then ever before. The blood was dripping down her leg onto the hardwood floor. Olivia threw the knife across the room, and began sobbing into her pillow. She fell into a dreamless sleep.

Olivia was woken up a few hours later by a pounding on her door. Olivia was a bit disoriented, and it took her a minute to get her thoughts together. It was Casey!

"Oh crap, I was supposed to go with Casey for dinner!" Olivia pulled her pants back on. She was a mess. Her eye make-up had run down her face. Her hair was all over the place. She tried to get herself together as she went to the door.

Casey was shocked when she saw the state her friend was in. "Casey, I'm sorry…I…" Olivia broke into tears again. "Shh, Liv its okay." Casey hugged her friend. Olivia was sobbing on Casey's shoulder. Casey gently put her hands on Olivia's shoulders.

"Olivia, listen to me. Why don't you go in your room and get cleaned up. I'll order some of that Hungarian food you love so much, and we can stay in and you can tell me everything."

Olivia smiled slightly and wiped her eye with her hand. "Thanks Casey."

A few minutes later, Olivia emerged from her bedroom a new woman. She scrubbed off all of her old make-up, & combed her hair. She had on an old grey NYPD sweat suit from her academy days. She felt a little better.

Casey and Olivia sat on her couch like sisters. Olivia told her everything that happened the previous night with Leon, i5ncluding how he was cheating on her with some woman named Vanessa.

"I can't believe that slime would do that! You've been with him a year. How can he just give up and move on with some other woman? Liv I'm so sorry."

"Casey, it's my fault! I ruin everything! I'll be alone the rest of my life! I wish I could drop dead! Everyone would be better off"

"Olivia, don't talk like that! None of this is your fault! You didn't choose to be assaulted! He is not worth your time if he can't accept you for the woman you are! Imagine if an issue like this came up after you were married! He would have run right out the door! Liv, I think this was a blessing in disguise. At least you saw what he was before it was too late. Olivia, I know it's hard. I felt the same way when I had to break up with my fiancé. It's heartbreaking, but it gets easier. I'm sure there is someone out there a million times better. And besides, if we both stay single long enough, we can become spinsters together, and live in a house with fifty-two cats!"

Olivia smiled. "What do you mean "become spinsters?" We aren't exactly two spring chickens." The two women laughed.

"Liv, why don't you stop playing with your food and actually eat some of it."

"I am eating!"

"Yeah right, 2 bites of a pierogi does not a meal make. Eat dammit!"

Casey had a feeling there was more going on with Olivia then she admitted to. She had never seen Olivia so depressed before, especially to the point where she wished herself dead. She had been acting off for a while now, but she seemed to be getting worse. She also noticed Olivia didn't look well physically. She didn't want to bring up the subject again, but she was going to keep a close eye on her best friend.


	3. Chapter 3

Olivia's Dark Nights

Disclaimer: As I said, I write these for no financial gain. However, I am unemployed and would love a job writing for SVU!

Author's Note: Please please review and let me know what you think! I'm open to suggestions as to what should happen next.

**Olivia's Dark Nights Chapter 3**

Olivia woke up the next morning feeling like hell. She was still so tired she couldn't move. She still felt emotionally numb. For the first time in years, Olivia voluntarily called out sick.

"Hi Captain, this is Olivia. I wanted to let you know I won't be in today. I have a bit of uh, a stomach flu."

"Are you sure you are okay Liv?

"Yeah, nothing to worry about. I'm…fine."

"Olivia take the time you need. We want you back healthy."

Cragen couldn't believe his ears. Detective Olivia Benson called out sick She was such a workaholic that he usually had to order her to stay home when she was sick or injured. He knew something just wasn't right. He didn't buy her story about a stomach flu. Olivia once wanted to come to work after suffering four broken ribs and a collapsed lung. He had a bad feeling about this.

Even though it was morning, Olivia just wanted to sleep. She swallowed two more sleeping pills, and pulled the covers over her head. Sleep would make all of her problems go away. She was wrong. A few hours later, she woke up screaming. She had another recurring dream about her assault. In this dream, the prison guard raped her. He put his filthy penis into her over and over again. Olivia was trembling and shaking. "I can't go on like this. What is wrong with me?"

Olivia was sobbing into her pillow. She again had the urge to cut herself. She didn't want to do it, but she just couldn't stop herself. She was a mess. Both of her thighs were marred with hideous bloody scars from above her knees all the way up to her hips. She had to stop this! She had done it before, and she could do it again. The problem is that she didn't want to stop. As sick as it was, this was the only comfort she had.

"Cap, where's Olivia?

"Home sick. She has a stomach virus."

"Olivia called in sick?" Elliot was just as surprised as Cragen. "Captain, there is something wrong with Olivia. More than just the post traumatic stress. She is not herself. I don't know how to handle it."

"I don't know either Elliot. Olivia can be stubborn; we all know that. If we do the wrong thing, she will shut us all out. I'm worried."

"I have to talk to her. I'll leave her alone today, but if I don't hear from her, I'm gonna stop by her place. I can't let her keep everything bottled up inside pretending nothing is wrong."

"Keep me updated. And let me know if I can help."

"Thanks Cap."

It was already five o'clock, and Olivia had not gotten out of bed yet. She just wanted to sleep and sleep in the warm safety of her bed. It was the only place she felt safe. She could relax. She went as far as to hang heavy blankets over the windows to keep the light out. She just wanted to be by herself in the blackness. As she laid in bed, she thought about the life she thought she would have by now. She always pictured herself married, madly in love with her husband, with a few children, and a big dog living in the country somewhere, miles from everything. She was as far from that as possible. She was single living in a small apartment in the city with no prospects. No pets, no kids, and few friends. How did this happen to her? Then she thought about Elliot. She had loved Elliot for a long time. Sometimes she thought he loved her too. He was one of her best friends. She knew he would always have her back. When Kathy and Elliot got divorced, Olivia was secretly happy. She thought maybe she had a chance with him. Elliot had not made any moves, but she was still hoping that one day he would. It was all that kept her going. She would have married Leon, but deep down she didn't love him .She was just tired of being alone. But once again, she screwed that up. Again, here she was all by herself in a dark bedroom. The tears started flowing down Olivia's cheeks once again. Olivia was so disgusted with herself that she just wanted to drop the hell dead.

Olivia called out of work for the next week. She couldn't face her demons. Her job reminded her all the horrible things that happened to her. She lost her fiancé because of her job. It was all too much to bear. She spent an entire week in bed crying, and cutting herself; alternating sleeping pills and vodka. Olivia was never much of a drinker, but now she was using the alcohol to numb her pain. Elliot had called quite a few times, and left her a bunch of messages, but she didn't want him to talk to him. He came over the other night, but she didn't want him to see her in this state. She hadn't even showered for a few days. Olivia laid in her bed with the covers over her face pretending she was in a coffin, hoping to god that someday soon her dream would come true.

"George, do you have a minute?" Asked Casey & Elliot.

"Sure, what is it?"

"Lets step into a room, it's a little more private."

"Elliot and I are worried sick about Olivia. We think she is depressed, even suicidal, but she won't open up to either one of us."

"Has she made any suicide threats?"

"Not directly. Said Casey. But she has mentioned a few times that she wishes she was dead."

"I see. Is she exhibiting any other unusual behavior?"

"She is very distant." Elliot said. She doesn't talk. When she does, it's a very few words. Then she seems to space out into her own little world. I know she is dealing with PTSD after her attack, but she seems to be getting worse."

"I don't know if I should say anything." Said Casey. "But, Leon, her fiancé broke up with her the other night. She was devastated. She was a mess from crying so hard."

"Why didn't she tell me?" Asked Elliot.

"I think she is embarrassed Elliot. She thinks her life is falling apart. That is hard for Olivia because you know she likes to be in charge at all times."

"Elliot, I think you need to talk to her. You have known her the longest. I would talk to her myself, but you two are closer. She will open up more to you. You need to find out what is bothering her, and if she is seriously suicidal. If she is, we need to get her help right away."

"I'll go over to her place tonight. Even if she doesn't open the door, I'll use my key and go in. This can't go on any longer. She can't keep living like this."


	4. Chapter 4

Olivia's Dark Nights

Disclaimer: These are not my characters. I only borrow them. I don't make money from writing these, but if SVU needs a new writer, I'm available! (In my dreams!)

**Chapter 4**

Later that same night, Elliot went over to Olivia's apartment. He noticed from the street that all of the lights were turned out. It was only 7:30; he highly doubted that Olivia went to bed already. He could feel a knot forming in his stomach.

He knocked on her door. "Olivia, are you home? It's me. Hello?"

There was silence.

Olivia was panicked. She did not want Elliot to see her like this! She was a mess, and her apartment looked like a bomb went off. She stayed in bed, and hoped he would give up and go away. She wasn't so lucky.

"Olivia, I know you are in there. I need to talk to you. I'm worried. We are all worried."

Still Olivia didn't answer.

"Olivia, I have my key. I'm coming in!"

"Oh shit!" Olivia thought to herself. She pulled the covers over her head, and pretended to be asleep.

Elliot turned the knob, and stepped into Olivia's apartment. Right off the bat, he knew something was up. The place was a mess. There were clothes and newspapers everywhere. That was totally unlike Olivia. Normally her place was so clean you could eat off the floor.

"Olivia, are you here?"

She still didn't answer. He walked around her apartment calling her name. If she was there, he didn't want to frighten her. He knocked on her bedroom door.

"Olivia, are you in there? It's me."

She knew that her gig was up. He was going to find her whether she liked it or not.

"I'm in here Elliot. Sorry, I must have fallen asleep."

Elliot opened her bedroom door, and saw her under a pile of blankets.

"Can I come in?" He asked.

"Sure, why not?" Olivia answered.

"Are you okay? I've been worried sick."

Elliot noticed that her bedroom was as trashed as her living room. He also noticed that the windows had been covered so no light would come in. Olivia normally loved the sunlight coming in through the windows on nice days. She was usually the first one to complain that the blinds were not open in the precinct in the morning. Something was definitely wrong. Elliot did not like this at all.

Olivia avoided his eyes. She looked nervous. "I'm fine El. I've had the stomach flu that has been going around."

Elliot knew she was lying.

"I'll tell you what. Let me get cleaned up, and then we'll talk. Go have a seat on my couch. I think there's some beer in the fridge."

Elliot went into Olivia's kitchen and noticed she had no food in her cabinets or fridge. "If she had the stomach flu, there should at least be saltines and ginger ale in here." Elliot thought to himself as he grabbed a beer. There were no dirty dishes. There weren't even any takeout boxes in the trash. "What has she been eating?" Elliot thought to himself.

"Shit Shit Shit!" Olivia thought to herself. "I'm not ready for this."

Olivia took a quick shower, brushed her teeth, and combed her hair. She put on an old NYPD sweat suit. She went out to join Elliot in her living room.

"So, what's up?"

"Well I haven't heard from you all week. It's not like you to stay home sick unless Cragen orders you to."

Olivia looked around the room nervously. She would not look at him in the eyes.

"Olivia, I know there is something more wrong with you. We've been partners and friends too long. I can read you like a book."

"Don't cry…don't cry…don't cry…Olivia kept telling herself. Hold it in! Hold yourself together!"

It didn't work. Olivia's upper lip quivered and the tears began rolling down her cheeks.

"Elliot, there is so much wrong that I don't know where to begin. My life, it's just wrong!" Olivia sobbed uncontrollably. Elliot moved closer to her and wrapped his arms around her shaking body.

"Shh…Liv, don't cry. What brought this on?

"I've been feeling this way for a while. It just got worse when…." Olivia paused. She didn't want to talk about what happened with Leon.

"Olivia, come on. Tell me what's really bothering you."

"It started with Leon. Elliot he broke up with me! He told me he wanted to marry me, but I was too damaged for him after my assault. He got tired of waiting for me to sleep with him again. He said I should just get over the assault and move on with my life! He was cheating on me with some woman named Vanessa."

"Liv, I'm so sorry."

"My whole life is broken! My childhood was broken! It only gets worse! I have nothing in my life besides my job, and my job just seems to make my personal life even worse! I was assaulted because of my job, and now I lost another relationship because of my job. When does it end? What do I have to live for Elliot?"

Olivia was crying so hard she couldn't breathe. She was hyperventilating and gasping for air. Elliot wrapped his arms around her again and gently rubbed her back.

"Liv, you have to calm down! You are going to make yourself sick."

"I don't care! I have nothing to live for!"

Elliot was definitely worried. He had never seen Olivia so depressed before, He didn't know how to handle the situation. How could he help his best friend?

"Olivia, don't beat yourself up over one deadbeat boyfriend! He was rotten to you! Don't let his words get to you! Olivia, you mean so much to so many people; especially to me and all the guys at the precinct. Casey too. You guys are like sisters. Liv, I know the job is tough and can get you, but look at the hundreds of victims you have helped though the years, all of the lives you have saved! Liv, you have been there for the victims who didn't have a voice. That has to mean something."

"It means a lot Elliot. Just not enough."

Olivia had calmed down and finally stopped crying. Elliot did not want to leave her alone tonight.

"Liv, you wanna get a pizza or something? We haven't had Lucia's in a while." Elliot hoped food would make her feel better."

Olivia smiled slightly. "Elliot I know what you're doing."

"I know Liv. And I'm good at what I do."

The rest of the evening was quiet. They ordered a pizza, and watched some cheesy lifetime movie on TV. Elliot was watching Olivia like a hawk. He noticed she barely touched her pizza, and barely made a dent in one beer. He decided he had pushed her enough that night, and didn't say anything about it. It was getting late.

"Liv, I'd better get going. It's almost 3 in the morning.

"Elliot, stay. I don't want to be alone tonight."

"Anything for you Liv."

Elliot felt better staying close to Olivia tonight. He slept on her couch. It made him more comfortable to know she wasn't all alone tonight, especially if she was having suicidal thoughts.

As Olivia laid in bed, her mind was racing. She thought about Elliot, her job, her life, her depression, everything. It kept replaying in a loop in her mind. Slowly, she fell into a deep, dreamless sleep. She finally had some peace.


	5. Chapter 5

Olivia's Dark Nights

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, and I don't make any money from writing these. I am unemployed and have a lot of time on my hands.

**Chapter 5**

Elliot woke up around 7 the next morning. Olivia was still sound asleep in her pitch black bedroom. Originally, he was thinking that the two of them could go out to breakfast. Then he realized Olivia might not want to talk about personal stuff in the middle of a crowded diner. He decided he would surprise her with a homemade breakfast. It was the only meal he could cook decently. He ran out to the corner market to grab his supplies.

As he was shopping, he kept thinking about Olivia. He knew there was more to her story then she was letting on. Something wasn't right with her, and he just couldn't put his finger on what it was. He also knew Olivia was not physically well. She had lost a lot of weight. Her eyes seemed to be sunken in, and were underlined with dark purple circles.

Olivia woke up to the smell of breakfast; something she had not smelled in her own apartment for years. She realized that Elliot had stayed the night. She tried to make herself decent before going out into the living room. She made sure all of the gashes on her body were covered by her clothing. She was scared to death that Elliot would find out about the cutting. She couldn't deal with him knowing her secret. Not now. Not ever.

"Hey, you made breakfast? You didn't have to go to the trouble."

"It's no big deal. I was hungry anyway, and I thought you would be too. Come sit down. Its ready."

Elliot filled Olivia's plate with huge pieces of French toast with fresh berries on top with whipped cream and powdered sugar. He even bought her favorite Dunkin Donuts coffee.

Elliot was beaming with pride from his handy work. "Eat up!" Elliot said pushing the plate closer to Olivia.

"So, what are your plans for the day?" Elliot asked Olivia.

"I don't really have any. I was just planning on staying in bed. I'm so tired." Olivia looked terrible, like she hadn't slept in weeks. However, Elliot knew that wasn't true.

"Liv, what's goin on? You've been spending a lot of time in bed lately. Are you sick?"

"No, Elliot, I'm fine. I'm just tired. I think it's just from all the stress I've been under."

Elliot looked at her as he put another fork full of French toast into his mouth. He noticed she had only eaten a few bites from her plate, and was playing with her food.

"Liv, why don't we do something today; just you and me; maybe go to the movies, or we can drive out to Jersey to that outlet mall you like."

"El, I just don't have the energy. Besides don't you have Dickie's hockey game this afternoon?"

"I can skip it. One game isn't doing to make that much a difference."

"That's not fair to him El! Go be with your kids. I'll be fine."

"Olivia, I'll go on one condition. That you promise to call if you don't feel any better tonight."

"Yes Dad." replied Olivia sarcastically. She had no intentions of calling Elliot. She didn't need a keeper. She was fine. Secretly, she couldn't wait to get back into bed.

"Elliot, I'll be back to work on Monday morning. I promise I'll survive until then."

Elliot, Cragen, and Casey had an early morning meet up on Monday before the work day began. Elliot wanted to let them know what had gone on over the weekend with Olivia.

"Cap, I don't know what is wrong with Liv. She doesn't seem to be getting any better. She is so depressed. So lifeless. She told me about her breakup with Leon, but there is more to it then that. She is fed up with her life. She keeps saying she has nothing to live for. She looks like hell. She must have lost fifteen pounds easily. The circles under her eyes are horrible. I think she definitely needs to talk to someone professionally. I think she needs more help then any of us can offer her."

"We all know Olivia. She never asks for help." Casey said. "We can't force her. Unless she talks to a doctor, she won't get any treatment." Our hands are tied.

"I could order a psych evaluation on her, but that will just scare her." Cragen said. "I think the best thing to do is continue to watch her like a hawk. I'll talk to Huang too. I'd like to hear what he says. Maybe he can offer some suggestions."

All eyes were on Olivia as she entered the squad room later that morning. Cragen and Casey had noticed right away the change in her physical appearance. Her usually fitted pants were slightly baggy, like she had to tighten her belt another notch. Olivia was thin to begin with, she didn't have much extra to lose.

"Olivia, are you feeling better?" Cragen asked.

"Yeah, pretty much Cap." Olivia lied. "I'm ready to get back to work."

"Are you sure?" Casey said. "You still look tired."

"I'm fine. It just takes some time to get out of your system completely. What do we have going on?"

"Nothing much right now. Catch up on your paperwork. I'll let you know when you have something."

A few hours passed. Olivia sat quietly at her desk tapping away on her computer. She began to feel sick; sort of weak and dizzy. She knew she had not been eating much lately, and thought maybe that was catching up to her. She sent Elliot down to buy her a carton of orange juice and a bagel from the street vendor. Elliot didn't question why she didn't want to go down herself. She ate her breakfast, but didn't feel much better. She was freezing, but beads of sweat were forming on her forehead at the same time. She hoped no one noticed. She grabbed her grey hooded sweatshirt from her locker and zipped it all the way up. Her teeth were chattering. "I hope I'm not coming down with a real stomach virus." Olivia thought to herself.

"Elliot! Olivia! Cragen yelled as he came out of his office. The doc has something for you at her office. She wants you both down there ASAP."

"We're on it Cap."

Olivia shakily put on her coat, and ran with Elliot out the door. She felt like her legs were going to give in, but she pushed on."

Melinda was washing her hands at the sink with her back turned as Olivia walked in.

"You're back." the ME said.

As she turned, she looked at Olivia with concern.

"Olivia, are you alright? You don't look so good."

Warner knew Olivia was out sick the previous week, but didn't expect the illness to take such a toll on her. She noticed right away that she was ghastly pale and too thin.

"Olivia, have you seen a doctor?" Warner said as Elliot came through the door.

"Sorry I'm late. I couldn't park the damn car!"

"Elliot, give us a minute."

Elliot obliged, and stepped out.

"Olivia, what's going on with you? Here sit down." Melinda rolled a stool over to Olivia and gently guided her to it. Melinda put her hand on Olivia's forehead. She could tell she was burning up.

"Melinda, I'm fine!" Olivia said through chattering teeth. "I'm still getting over a bug."

Olivia tried to stand, but Belinda pushed her back down. "Sit!" She ordered her.

She took Olivia's hand and checked her pulse"

"Your pulse is weak Olivia. Let me listen to your heart and lungs."

As Melinda went to get her stethoscope, Olivia stood up from the stool quickly. "Melinda, don't worry about me! Let's just get back to work. We came here because Cragen said you had new information on Joe Carter."

Olivia started to sway. Everything in the room went dim. Her eyesight went blurry. Olivia couldn't hear what Melinda was saying. The heat in her body was intense. Then, the lights went out in Olivia's mind..

Melinda ran over to Olivia and tried to revive her. Her skin was on fire.

"Elliot! Melinda screamed."

He came running into the room and saw Olivia on the floor.

"Call a bus. Tell them it's urgent."

"She's running a very high fever. At least 103 degrees I'd say. Help me get these clothes off of her. I have some cooling blankets. We need to cool her down before she has a seizure.

Melinda and Elliot cut Olivia's clothes off as quickly as possible. When Melinda cut down the legs of Olivia's pants, both she and Elliot were shocked by what they found.

"Oh my god, Olivia is a cutter?"

"This is serious." Melinda said. She was horrified by the pure number of wounds there were on Olivia's legs. Her olive skin was practically ripped to shreds. There were hundreds of crimson gashes from Olivia's hip to knee. Some were very deep.

"I think she's septic. She has in infection in her blood from the cuts." She needs to get on high dose intravenous antibiotics right away."

Elliot was sick to his stomach. He knew there was something going on with Olivia. Why didn't she tell him? How could she do this to herself?"

Elliot was brought back to reality by Melinda.

"I'll ride with her. Call Cragen and have him meet us at the ER."

Elliot watched as the paramedics loaded Olivia into the ambulance. He couldn't believe this was happening. How could he have been so blind?


	6. Chapter 6

Olivia's Dark Nights

Disclaimer: These characters are not mine. I don't write these for money. I'm just bored.

Author's note: Thank you to everyone for the reviews! Please continue to let me know what you think about the story!

**Chapter 6**

Cragen, Elliot, Munch, and Fin were waiting silently in the waiting room. Elliot had been pacing back and forth for some time. He had tried to sit down a few times, but just couldn't sit still. This was killing him. None of the men knew what to say. They had all noticed that Olivia was obviously upset about something, but none of them knew how to approach the situation. Elliot finally sat down and placed his head in his hands.

"Why did she do this?" Why didn't she come to me, or to anyone else for that matter?"

"Elliot, it's not anyone's fault. These things happen. Olivia didn't do anything to any of us. She did it to herself. She's sick Elliot. That isn't her fault."

Melinda and Huang stepped into the waiting room. All four men stood up immediately.

"How is she," Cragen asked.

"Not well I'm afraid," Melinda said eying Olivia's chart. "She's septic. She has in infection raging in her blood. She is running about a 104 degree fever. We've tried to identify the bacteria, but so far we've been unsuccessful. We've started her on high dose antibiotics as well as high doses of acetaminophen to try to control the fever. We have her under cooling blankets. I'm very concerned that the high fever may cause a seizure. Temperatures that high in adults can be fatal. We have her on fluids because she is severely dehydrated. We had to insert a feeding tube. We can't tell how long it's been since she has eaten. Her glucose levels are dangerously low. She still hasn't regained consciousness. She also has traces of a sleeping pill called Ambien in her system."

"Doc, what do we do now," Cragen asked.

"For now, all we can do is wait, and hope the drugs do their jobs. She is in bad shape right now. We're doing all we can."

"What about her psychological health," Elliot asked. "What do we do? We can't let her just go on about her daily life after she is physically better, and pretend nothing happened."

Huang spoke up in his usual calm voice.

"Olivia is going to need a lot of help. She is suffering from severe depression, and self-mutilating. The self-mutilation is severe. I suspect she may also be suffering from anorexia."

Munch and Fin looked at each other and shook their heads. "I can't believe this is goin on," Fin said. "How did things get so out of control?"

"Usually self-mutilation is something a person, usually girls and women, begin when they are in their teenage years. I suspect Olivia had been a cutter as a teenager. When her depression became severe enough, she reverted back to old habits. I don't know if the cutting was used as a coping mechanism, or if it was a suicide attempt. Some of the injuries are quite severe. We also need to determine if she is suffering from anorexia."

"How do we help her," Cragen asked.

Huang took a deep breath.

"I believe Olivia is going to need in-patient care. Her problems are too severe to treat her with outpatient therapy. Olivia wouldn't stick with a therapy regime. She is going to need medication. I have a connection at a private hospital in Westchester. I think that would be the best place for her. I've already checked, and her insurance will cover the expenses."

"Olivia is not going to agree to that," Elliot said.

"At this point, she doesn't have a choice. She is a threat to herself. We can get a court order if we have to."

"When can we see her," Munch asked.

"You can all go in now, but she is not awake.

The group made their way to Olivia's bedside. None of them could believe this was really happening. They didn't know how to handle the situation. This was different then anything any of them had ever experienced before. This was Olivia.

Elliot's stomach was in knots as he looked at Olivia unconscious in a hospital. She looked terrible. Her body was like a skeleton. She was pale, and had darker circles under her eyes then he had ever seen before. She was connected to so many tubes and monitors. He felt like this was his fault.

"I don't want her to be alone when she wakes up. One of us should be here at all times," Elliot said to the group.

The men agreed. "The last thing she needs is to come out of this and find herself alone again. We'll take shifts," Cragen said.

"I'll stay tonight Cap," Elliot volunteered.

Cragen nodded. "I'll come by in the morning. Munch and Fin, you can both take a shift tomorrow."

Munch, Fin, and Cragen all kissed Olivia on the cheek as they stepped out into the hall. None of them had ever experienced anything like this before during their careers. They were used to fellow officers getting injured on the job; gun shots, broken bones, they went along with the territory. This territory however, was uncharted.


	7. Chapter 7

Olivia's Dark Nights

Disclaimer: These are not my characters, I'm only borrowing them and promise to give them back when I'm done!

**Chapter 7**

It had been such an emotionally exhausting day. Elliot felt as if he had finished running the New York Marathon, and went straight through the finish line and into a brick wall. He couldn't remember the last time he felt like this. He felt hopeless; like there was no solution to this problem. It was just too complicated. He couldn't deal with the aftermath.

He held Olivia's hand as she lay motionless in the hospital bed. The only sounds in the room were the beeping of the monitors. The sound was oddly soothing. The sound reminded him that Olivia was okay, at least for now. He couldn't help but wonder what the future would hold.

He thought about his relationship with Olivia. It took him almost ten years, but he was finally certain. He loved her. He loved her so much that he couldn't bear the thought of her not being in his life. She was his best friend; the only person in the world that understood him. He wanted her to be his everything. The events that led up to that moment only solidified his feelings. He wanted to take their relationship to the next level. He wondered if he waited too long.

"Liv, you have to come out of this. You can't leave me. I love you too much! I said it; I LOVE you! Olivia, you mean the world to me, and I was too stupid all of these years to act on it. We've had a special connection since the day we were partnered up. Olivia I don't think I can continue on without you. You have to get healthy. I promise you Olivia, I won't be so stupid anymore."

Elliot began to cry. He couldn't hold it in any longer. He felt like his world was being ripped apart again. He had finally cleaned up his mess with Kathy. Now, he felt like the rug was pulled out from under him for a second time. Olivia was his rock, the constant in his life. Now, he felt alone.

Elliot had managed to fall asleep on his chair. He was awoken by the door opening early the next morning. It was Casey. She had been crying.

"I just found out what happened after I got out of court last night," Casey said wiping her tears. "What the hell happened? Is she going to be okay?"

Casey sobbed into Elliot's shoulder. He tried to comfort Casey, but she was inconsolable.

"Why didn't I notice? I knew something wasn't right, but I didn't do anything about it! She wouldn't be here right now if I…"

"Casey," Elliot said. "It's not your fault. It's not anyone's fault. None of us knew how severe the problem was. Liv is sick. She needs more help then any of us can offer. Don't worry, it'll all work out. We'll all be here to give Olivia the support she needs. She will get better."

"How is she doing? Any better?"

"Not good. She has one hell of an infection in her blood. They can't identify the bacteria. She's been running a 104 degree fever since she got here that just won't break."

Casey looked down at her best friend. "I can't believe how thin she's gotten. I knew she lost weight, but it was hard to tell how much. She wore a lot of layers. I wonder if she was trying to conceal it."

"They think she might be anorexic."

Casey looked horrified. The night at Olivia's apartment came to mind. She noticed Olivia wasn't eating, but didn't make a big deal about it. Now she wished she had.

"So what happens now," Casey said trying to hold back her tears.

"We just wait and see. They have her on high dose antibiotics and acetaminophen. The biggest concern is the fever. It's dangerous. They inserted a feeding tube. She was starving herself. She's in a coma. Huang said she needs in-patient psychiatric care. She needs to be medicated. Her problems are so severe that therapy just won't cut it. Plus, we all know Olivia; she won't stick to a strict therapy regiment. She damn well won't take drugs."

Casey nodded. "You know she won't agree to any of that. They're going to have to get a court order... I can't believe this is happening. Olivia is so strong. What went wrong?"

Elliot didn't know what to say. The two of them sat in silence staring at Olivia, listening to the beep of the monitors. Neither one of them ever thought they would see Olivia in this condition.

Cragen came in to relieve him, but Elliot didn't want to leave his post at Olivia's bedside. He wanted to be there when she woke up. He tried to argue with Cragen, but he couldn't be persuaded.

"Elliot, go home. Get cleaned up. Eat something. You've been here for hours. You can't run yourself ragged. I don't want another one of my best detectives on the absentee list. I promise I'll call if anything changes."

Elliot wanted to argue, but he knew the captain was right. He was exhausted. He wanted to take a shower and wash away the grief of past twenty-four hours. He needed a stiff drink.

As Cragen began his watch, he couldn't help but to think what went so wrong with one of his best detectives. Olivia was stable and level-headed. She was the exact opposite of Elliot. What went so wrong in her life to lead her to this? He prided himself on keeping his squad close; like a family. Olivia was an integral part of that family. Did she know that? Why did she think she couldn't talk to him when she started spiraling out of control? Did she even know she was out of control? He felt guilty that he noticed there was something wrong, but didn't jump right in and say something. Maybe if he had, she wouldn't be in that bed hanging on by a thread. He wondered if it was the job that was getting to her, or was it personal? His gut was telling him it was a combination of the two. He hoped she would soon be well enough to tell him. There were so many unanswered questions. If this could happen to Olivia, it could happen to any of his detectives.


	8. Chapter 8

Olivia's Dark Nights

Author's Note: The characters are only on loan. I will return them at the end of the borrowing period.

**Chapter 8**

Elliot went to Olivia's apartment with the intention of bringing her some of her own things for when she woke up. He kept telling himself she would wake up. As he turned the door knob, the familiar scent of Olivia filled his nostrils. It was a scent he couldn't place. It was not strong, but it was distinctively Olivia. Her apartment and her body had that same heavenly scent. If she bottled it, she could make a million dollars.

He noticed her place was in disarray. Olivia was a clean freak. She dusted walls and washed her sheets incessantly. Nothing was ever out of place. Today, however was different. Her apartment looked like a bomb went off. There was stuff everywhere. The floor was so full of clothing that you couldn't even walk. The couch was covered with newspapers. The furniture was dusty. The bed was unmade with the fitted sheet half off. There were thick blankets covering every window. Empty glasses were scattered about. There were empty vodka bottles surrounding the bed. The vodka bottles were Elliot's biggest concern. Olivia was not much of a drinker. Sure, she would have a couple of drinks with the guys, mainly beer, but he had never known her to drink alone. He wondered if she was chasing the sleeping pills with the booze.

He wanted to bring her some of her own clothing, but with the mountains of dirty clothes on the floor, he didn't know what was clean. He also didn't want Olivia to have to come home to this mess, whenever it was that she would be back in her own apartment. He decided to clean up the place; wash the laundry and bedding, pick everything up off the floor, dust, sweep, vacuum, the works. It was the least he could do for Olivia.

As he put the dirty clothes into a basket, a silver object in the corner caught his eye. As he got closer, he realized it was a box cutter.

"What the hell is Olivia doing with a box cutter on her bedroom floor," Elliot thought to himself.

It hit him like a ton of bricks.

"Is this what Olivia used to cut herself?" Elliot was nauseous. Picked up the knife and extended the blade. He noticed there was dried blood on it. He thought he was going to be sick.

"People use these knives to kill, and Olivia was dragging this across her skin."

Elliot found a baggie in Olivia's kitchen to hold the knife. He put it in his pocket. He had to let Cragen and the doctors know what he found.

As Elliot cleaned the living room, he remembered all of the time the two of them had spent on Olivia's couch eating pizza, drinking beer, and watching bad movies. He had been over a lot, especially when he and Kathy were in the middle of the divorce. Sometimes he would stay over and sleep on the couch. Olivia was an amazing listener. She never judged. Even though she was not Kathy's biggest fan, she never said anything negative because Kathy was the mother of Elliot's children. Olivia was like an aunt to Elliot's kids.. Kathleen and Maureen could talk to her about things they couldn't discuss with their own mother. Elliot knew she would never steer them wrong. He couldn't wrap his mind around what had happened. Olivia was a pillar in the lives of so many people. What drove her to this?

The next morning, Elliot returned to the hospital to continue his vigil. He relieved Munch. He could have sworn that Munch had been crying. He never thought he would live to see the day. Munch gathered up his newspaper, and various items and headed to the door. He didn't say anything as he exited the room.

Elliot unpacked the bag he had brought for Olivia into the small closet. It felt strange to be handling Olivia's underwear. However, he was the closest thing she had to family. It would be more awkward if it had been Cragen or Munch rummaging through her unmentionables. He shut the drawers and took a seat on the chair next to her bed. He didn't know how he was going to handle sitting there again all night. His mind was racing with questions that needed to be answered. He didn't know how long he could hold on.

He wondered if Olivia loved him. Did she see him in that way? Would she be willing to give him a chance? He knew that he would have to wait until Olivia was healed to find out.

Melinda came in to check on Olivia. She had some good news.

"Her fever has dropped to 101. It's still technically a fever, but it's an improvement. I think the antibiotics are finally beginning to fight the infection."

"Do you know how long she'll be out?"

"There's no way to tell Elliot. I'll take time. The infection needs to clear out of her system; hopefully within the next few days."

"Melinda, there's something I'd like to show you. I found it in Olivia's apartment."

Elliot took the box cutter out of his pocket.

"This is what she used to injure herself. Her blood is dried on it."

Melinda studied the knife. "I'm not surprised. I could tell by the depth and width of the cuts that she had used a very sharp instrument about this width and weight. I would say if we didn't catch this when we did, she would have eventually committed suicide."

Elliot was silent. He didn't know what to even say.

Casey stopped by later that evening. She brought Olivia a nice vase of flowers as well as a balloon. Casey could not look at Olivia without tears welling up in her eyes.

The stress of the situation was weighing heavily on her. She was distracted at work. She couldn't sleep at night. Elliot noticed the dark circles under her eyes. She blamed herself for not noticing there was a problem sooner. She felt guilty that she could not be at the hospital more because of her job. Elliot told Casey that Olivia had improved slightly. He promised that he would call her as soon as Olivia woke up; day or night.

"Casey, please take care of yourself. Don't make yourself sick.."

"Elliot, I'm trying, but it's not that easy. I just can't get this out of my mind."

"Why don't you take a break for a while; get some air. I'll stay here with Olivia."

Elliot was going to protest, but he thought Casey might want some time alone with Olivia. He knew she had wanted to spend more time at the hospital, but with her job schedule, she couldn't get in often during visiting hours.

"I'll be back in a bit."

Casey sat down in the chair as Elliot closed the hospital room door. She took her hand began to talk to Olivia aloud.

"Olivia, why did you do this? What was so wrong to drive you to this? Why didn't you tell me? Liv, I would have helped you; you know that. I would have done anything! When are you going to wake up? Are you ever going to be okay again? How can I help you?"

Casey had tears streaming down her cheeks. The situation with Olivia was tearing her apart. It reminded her of her own dark nights. Casey was a cutter as a teenager. She still wore her scars. Her situation never became as severe as Olivia's. It was her deepest darkest secret. Something she had never admitted to anyone. She knew Olivia must have been in substantial emotional pain to cut. Was Olivia cutting to punish herself, or just to feel something again? She wondered if this was something Olivia began again recently, or had she been a cutter all of these years? There were so many unanswered questions. She prayed Olivia one day would be able to answer. The waiting was killing her inside.


	9. Chapter 9

Olivia's Dark Nights

Disclaimer: I'm only borrowing these characters. I'll return them when I'm done!

**Chapter 9**

Early the next morning around 5 AM, Olivia's eyes opened. She was disoriented. She knew she was in a hospital, but had no recollection of how she had gotten there. She didn't know why she had a tube down her nose. She wanted to know why she was connected to all of these monitors. Why were her legs bandaged? What was going on?

Then her memories came flooding back. She remembered she wasn't feeling well that day at the house. She remembered going to Melinda's office. Why didn't she remember going to the hospital? Her eyes widened. She was mortified.

"Oh my god, they know about the cutting," Olivia thought with her heart racing.

She turned her head, and saw Elliot sound asleep in the chair beside her. She tried to call out to him, but the tube in her throat restricted her speech.

"Elliot," she slurred.

Elliot opened his eyes, and sat up quickly.

"Liv, you're awake," Elliot said excitedly. He stood up from his chair and took her hands in his.

"Liv, we were all worried sick We were afraid you would never wake up."

"What happened to me?"

"Liv, you don't remember?"

"No, the last thing I remember is being in Melinda's office waiting for you to park the car."

"Olivia, you were septic. You had a raging blood infection. You were running a 104 temperature."

Olivia averted Elliot's eyes. She didn't want to look at him. She was afraid that he knew her secret.

"Olivia, what's going on? Why are you cutting yourself?"

She felt his words in the pit of her stomach. Olivia began to cry. She couldn't face this. She couldn't deal with anyone knowing her secret. This was her problem! Why couldn't he leave her alone? She didn't need help!

She went to speak, but no words came out of her mouth. She didn't know what to say. How could she sweep this under the rug? She didn't want anyone involved! She just wanted to go home and resume living her normal life.

"Olivia, I know it's hard, but you need help. You can't face this alone."

"El, I can. I've done it in the past, and I can do it again. I don't need anyone's pity."

"What do you mean you've done it before? How long has this been going on?"

"I started cutting when I was fourteen. I've done it off an on since. Whenever I get to my breaking point with stress, or depression, I cut. I get numb Elliot. Sometimes I don't feel like myself. Sometimes I feel like everything is my fault. So I cut myself, and sometimes it makes me feel better."

"Olivia, why did you let things get so bad? You could have gotten help!"

"Elliot, I don't need help! I'm handling things! It's just my way of coping."

"Your way of coping nearly killed you! Olivia you've been in a coma for three days! Your cutting is out of control!"

Olivia stopped talking. She mentally shut down. She couldn't get the words to form in her mind. She was crying hysterically. Elliot just didn't understand. She could fight her own battles. She had done it all her life. She wasn't about to change now.

Elliot stepped out of the room to calm down. He also wanted to call everyone and tell them that Olivia had woken up. He knew the entire squad was waiting on pins and needles for some good news. When he returned to her room, Melinda was there examining Olivia. She had removed the feeding tube.

"You're doing better Olivia. Your fever has broken. You still need to finish this round of antibiotics."

"When can I go home, Olivia asked.

Melinda sternly stared into Olivia's eyes. "Olivia, you aren't ready to go home. You need to stay here and finish your treatment.

"So what is that, a few more days?"

"Olivia," Melinda said with hesitation in her voice. "You need help dealing with your psychological problems. Olivia you could have died! If the infection didn't kill you, you may have starved to death. Olivia, you are skin and bones. How long have you been battling anorexia?"

Olivia looked out the window as she began to speak.

"I'm not anorexic. I'm not starving myself. It's just that when I get depressed, or stressed, I don't eat. I can't. I guess it goes hand in hand with the cutting."

"You've been feeling this way for a while."

"Yeah, I have," Olivia said. "I can't shake it. I feel like I'm swimming in a sea of sorrow. Nothing in my life is right. I can't escape it." Olivia had tears running down her cheeks again. Melinda knelt down to Hug Olivia.

"Shh, Olivia, don't cry. Whatever is wrong, we'll fix it. You can count on all of us."

Neither Olivia nor Melinda realized that Elliot was in the room. He quietly stepped back into the hall. He knew he should wait for Olivia to talk to him. Melinda came out into the hall, closing the door behind her.

"What's going on Melinda," Elliot asked.

"Well, she's awake. She's in denial about her condition. I don't know if she realizes she can't continue living as she is."

"Did you mention anything about treatment?"

"No, not yet. I thought I'd let Huang handle that. It's his specialty."

Elliot was relieved that Olivia had woken up, but he still felt uneasy about how she would face treatment; especially when she found out the treatment was mandatory. He decided to stay in the waiting room while he waited for Cragen to arrive. He thought Olivia needed some space. He hoped that seeing Casey, Munch, and Fin later in the day would cheer her up. He knew Olivia had a lot of demons to face in the coming days, but he hoped this time she would accept a little help from her friends.


	10. Chapter 10

Olivia's Dark Nights

Disclaimer: I only borrowed the characters. I'll return them in the same condition I received them in.

Author's Note: Thanks for all the reviews! They really keep me going! Any suggestions please let me know.

**Chapter 10**

Olivia was relieved to see Casey later that afternoon. She really needed to talk to someone. Talking to Casey was different then talking to Elliot. Casey was more understanding. She didn't try to force Olivia to always see things her way. It was just different talking to another woman.

"Olivia, you gave us all the scare of our lives," Casey said with tears rolling down her cheeks.

She had never seen Casey so emotional. Casey, like Olivia bottled up a lot of her emotions.

"Relax Casey. Don't worry; I'm fine now."

"Olivia, you almost died! You aren't fine! Stop lying to yourself! We all know the truth! Why are you cutting yourself?"

Casey, it's complicated. You wouldn't understand."

"Like hell I wouldn't Liv!"

Casey took off her black fleece jacket, and rolled her shirt sleeve all the way up. Olivia could see dozens of fine white scars all the way from just above Casey's elbow up to her shoulder.

"Liv, there's more! Look!"

Casey lifted her shirt to expose her stomach. Along her left side, Olivia spotted the same white scars lined up from her hip to her bra. Olivia didn't know what to say.

"Case, I had no idea. I never thought you would…" Olivia broke off in the middle of her sentence.

"Olivia, of all people, I understand! I was a cutter for a long time. You're the only person, besides my therapist that knows. From the time I was twelve up until after I graduated from law school. I did it everyday for a long time. I used to burn myself with cigarettes too"

"What made you stop?"

"I don't know really. I decided one day that I had enough. It wasn't getting me anywhere. I would cut and cut, but then the next day I would feel just as horrible again. My body was covered with scars. Finally I broke down and got help. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. It took a few years to completely stop. I'll admit it, on my worst days, I still have the urge to cut, but I've been able to stop myself. I still see a therapist twice a month.'

"Casey, why didn't you ever tell me?"

"Probably for the same reason you never told me. It's not exactly something you scream from the roof tops."

"I hate that everyone knows now. I feel naked, like my entire life has been exposed."

"Liv, it's a hard pill to swallow; but it's done now. You can only get better from here."

Olivia sat back in her bed.

"Olivia, what else is going on? Tell me the truth. Are you anorexic?"

"No, I'm not. I…just can't eat when I feel like this. I can go weeks just living on water alone when I'm depressed or stressed out."

"Liv, you lost a lot of weight. You can't continue like this. You have to get help now, before it's too late. You have to promise me."

"Casey I promise I'll get well."

After everything that happened that day, Olivia felt completely numb. She was horrified that everyone knew her secret. She just wasn't ready for this. She felt so uncomfortable around everyone. She hated the fact that she would now be treated like a china doll. Casey, Elliot, Cragen, Fin, Melinda, George and Munch were like family to her, but now she felt awkward around them. She wanted to pretend she was sleeping when they came by to visit. She was especially dreading Cragen's visit. She just wanted to deal with her situation in her own way, at her own pace. She knew deep down that it just wasn't going to happen that way.

The next morning, Cragen stopped by to visit. As he appeared in her hospital room, a feeling of dread formed in the pit of her stomach. She didn't know what to expect.

"Liv, how are you doing?"

"Not bad," Olivia lied. The tension in the room was so thick she could have cut it with a knife.

"Olivia, I just wanted to tell you I'm be here for you; anything you need day or night. Don't worry about your job. It'll be waiting for you when you are ready. Take all of time you need."

Olivia wanted to say that she would be back soon, but she wasn't sure if that was the truth. She felt like there were secrets being kept from her. It was like her friends knew more about her fate then she did.

"Olivia, there is something we need to discuss. Huang believes you need to be admitted to an in-patient facility. He thinks…."

"A what," Olivia interrupted? "A looney bin? Hell no!"

"Liv, it's for your own good. You need the help. More help then just seeing a shrink once a week can offer."

"Captain, I'm not going. I refuse. I can take care of myself."

"Olivia, in this case, you can't take care of yourself. You don't have a choice in the matter."

"What do you mean I don't have a choice? You can't force me!"

"Olivia, I can, and I will. If you don't comply, we'll be forced to get a court order. Don't make me do that."

Olivia felt defeated. She knew she was not going to a mental hospital. They could drag her kicking and screaming. She would not cooperate. For now though, she would pretend to be compliant.

"When do I have to go," Olivia asked.

"You still have another day of antibiotics left. After that, Huang will draw up the papers. It's not a bad place Liv. Elliot and I checked it out ourselves. It's a private hospital in Westchester. We'll drive you up ourselves."

Olivia stopped listening and stared out the window. She was humoring Cragen. She was not going to that hospital. Somehow, she was going to make an escape.


	11. Chapter 11

Olivia's Dark Nights

Disclaimer: I only borrowed the characters. I'll return them in the same condition I received them in.

Author's Note: Let's all send some prayers and good thoughts to Mariska Hargitay for good health.

**Chapter 11**

Olivia didn't sleep at all that night. She knew that her doctors and friends were trying to seal her fate. They all thought they knew what was best for her. However, they thought wrong. She was not going through with this plan to be locked up for god knows how long. She did not for one minute believe that it was for her own good. She refused to just sit back as they turned the key on her.

As she laid in her hospital bed for the final night, Olivia drew up a plan for her escape. It was simple really. She would sneak out of the hospital unnoticed. Luckily the clothes she came in wearing were still in the closet. After her IV was removed tomorrow, and her antibiotic was finished, she would get changed, and disappear. No one would find her until she was ready to be found.

She waited nervously for her time to come. She watched each drop of medication seep into her bloodstream. Her heart was racing with anticipation. She didn't have a plan B in case anyone caught her during her escape maneuver. She had to make this work the first time.

Just as the Ellen Degeneres show was ending, Melinda came in to unhook her from the IV.

"You're looking better Olivia," Melinda said with a smile.

"I'm feeling much better too. I can't wait to get out of here."

"Olivia, you're really taking this well. I thought you would protest in-patient care."

Melinda was watching her suspiciously. She had a gut feeling something was up.

"Melinda, I know I have a problem. I want to get well."

"I think that's what we all want Liv," Melinda said with a smile. "You'll probably be transferred tomorrow morning. Elliot and Cragen are going to drive you up personally. I think it's a better option than going in an ambulance."

Olivia smiled." I'll start to get my things ready tonight."

"Olivia, please take care of yourself. You are like family to all of us. We were all devastated when…Olivia I'm always here. Remember that."

Olivia and Melinda hugged. "Melinda, don't worry, everything will be fine."

Melinda finished writing in Olivia's chart and was headed back into the hall.

"Could you close the door? I want to take a nap."

Olivia immediately began working immediately. She took a shower, and finally got dressed in her own clothes. She caught her reflection in the mirror, but didn't recognize herself. She didn't realize how pale she had gotten. Even her eyes seemed to have lost their luster. She silently cursed Elliot for not including some make-up in her overnight bag. She threw the rest of her clothes and personal items into the duffel bag, put on her coat, and opened the door slightly to see who was out in the hall. Luckily, no one seemed to be paying attention to her. She looked both ways, and quickly stepped out into the hall. She took the stairs down. There was less chance of someone catching her. The elevators were too crowded. It seemed as if time were passing so slowly. Each step down brought her closer to freedom. She could taste it at this point. She finally came to the final landing. The only obstacle between Olivia and freedom was the hospital lobby. Again, she took a look around and made sure there was no one she recognized. She took a deep breath, and headed to the final doors that would lead her to freedom.

When she stepped out onto the sidewalk, she felt as if she had won an Olympic medal. She was relieved that she made it out without being discovered. How would she have explained herself? They would have restrained her and thrown her in the looney bin forever.

Olivia's first stop was the bank. She needed cash. It was obvious they would put a trace on her credit cards and ATM card as soon as they began looking for her. She withdrew five thousand dollars from her savings account. She hoped it would be enough, as she wasn't sure how long she would be incognito. Olivia walked back to her apartment. She didn't want her face to show up on security cameras in the subway, or in a taxi. When she arrived, Olivia didn't go inside. She went directly to the parking garage to pick up her car. She hoped no one yet knew of her absence from the hospital. She had to get out of the city as quickly as possible. Olivia headed to the George Washington Bridge. She ripped the ez-pass off of the windshield as she approached the crossing. Even though there was no toll on the Manhattan side of the bridge, there would be getting on the New Jersey Turnpike. The ez-pass would track exactly what tolls she had went through, and at what time. She had to pay everything in cash. She didn't want a paper trail.

Olivia drove in a fog. Her thoughts were racing. She still hadn't processed the events of the past few weeks. She didn't feel like herself. She felt like a criminal on the run. She had to remind herself that she hadn't committed a crime. She only wanted her space, and privacy. No one had any right to tell her she belonged in a mental hospital!

She felt guilty about running and not telling any of her friends where she was going. She knew they would all be extremely worried, but she would figure it all out later. No one could possibly understand what she was going through right not! None of them ever had to face a mental hospital! Olivia was so upset about the situation that it felt like her blood was ice cold running through her veins. Her legs felt weak. In her current situation, she had no choice but to keep driving.

Olivia was headed to Cape May, New Jersey. It was one of the few places Olivia had positive memories of. It was the only vacation Olivia took with her mother while she was sober. Olivia enjoyed Cape May because of the peace and quiet. It was serene. It was unchanged from the past. The town was full of beautiful old Victorian houses and quaint little restaurants and shops. The beach was undisturbed. It was the off-season, so Olivia didn't foresee a problem renting a room near the beach. She wanted to be near the ocean. She wanted to feel the wind and hear the waves crashing on the beach. She wanted to breathe the sea air. She needed that constant in her life right now.

As she was getting close to her destination, Olivia realized she would need to stop for a few things. She only had the clothes that were on her back, and a few pairs of pajamas in her bag that needed to be laundered. She knew that there was a mall somewhere around there, but she didn't have the time or energy for that. She saw a sign for a Wal-Mart, and decided to stop. Olivia parked her car, and took a cart. Her mind felt fuzzy. She couldn't think clearly. It was too much for her to figure out what she would need. She walked around the store absent-mindedly. She had a horrible headache. She wanted to be home in bed. Olivia threw a few pairs of jeans in the cart barely checking the sizes. She grabbed a few t-shirts, some bras, and some packaged Hanes underwear. She remembered she also needed pajamas and toiletries. She bought an untraceable pre-paid cell phone. Olivia could feel her heart beating in her skull. Her prolonged illness took more of a toll on her then she had realized. On her way to the register, Olivia spotted the hardware department. She couldn't help but to buy a box cutter.

Olivia unlocked the door to her room. She had managed to get an efficiency apartment in an old Victorian across from the beach with a balcony. It was a weekly rental. Olivia paid for two weeks in advance. She had checked in using her alias, Rachael Hunter. She had her car parked in the back of the building away from street view.

"Captain, we have a big problem."

"What is it Elliot," Cragen asked.

"Olivia's gone. Warner last spoke to her around four. She said she was going to take a nap. An hour later when they delivered dinner, she was gone. All of her things were taken from the closet. She was last seen on the security tape leaving the hospital at 4:37."

"Alright," Cragen said resting his head in his hand. "Come back to the house. I'll get everyone together. We'll get a plan together. We have to find her ASAP."

"Alright Cap. I'm gonna stop by her place on my way back. Maybe there's a chance that she's still there. If not, I'll ask if anyone has seen her."

"Don, you have to find her. Olivia isn't well. I'm sure she is going to continue harming herself. Especially now. She feels like her world has been turned upside down. Her secret is out. She doesn't know who to trust," Huang said.

"I knew something wasn't right when I took out her IV. She seemed too calm. Olivia is not the type to take things lying down."

"Don't worry, we'll find her. All available manpower will be on this," Cragen said.

Olivia sat in bed with a bottle of vodka sobbing. She didn't know what she was doing. She absently cut into her arm with the box cutter. She didn't care that blood was dripping all over. She felt more alone then ever. She had no one to go to. Her secret was out. She had nothing to hide behind; nothing to live for. She didn't care if she died. She was already labeled as crazy. She refused to live the rest of her life with a big black mark following her. Why should she bother living at all?


	12. Chapter 12

Olivia's Dark Nights

Disclaimer: I only borrowed the characters. I'll return them in the same condition I received them in.

Author's Note 1: Let's all send some prayers and good thoughts to Mariska Hargitay for good health.

Author's Note 2: Is anyone still reading this? I haven't received many reviews on the last few chapters. If no one reviews, I'm going to end the story.

**Chapter 12**

Three days had passed since Olivia had arrived in Cape May. She had not left her room since. She spent most of her time laying in bed staring through the glass doors toward the ocean. She felt dead, as if she could never feel anything again. She also was drinking a lot more. She had gone through two bottles of vodka. Normally, two bottles of vodka would last Olivia over two years. She knew she shouldn't be drinking so much, but she couldn't help herself. The alcohol kept her numb. Without it, she would actually have to deal with her emotions. She was not prepared to do that now. She preferred to be drunk, and blissfully unaware of what was going on in her own mind.

Olivia was a mess. She was either drunk, and floating free from reality, or she was sober and so depressed she could do nothing but cry and cut her own flesh. She hadn't showered or eaten in days. She felt trapped. She couldn't stop herself. She couldn't face her friends now that they knew her secret. She felt exposed as if she were naked. How could she fix this? There was no way to turn back the clock. Why did everyone think cutting was so terrible? Didn't they understand that was all Olivia had to fill the void in her life? That it was the only way she could punish herself for creating her own miserable existence? It was the one thing in her life that Olivia was in control of.

"Captain, we can't find any information. She disappeared without a trace. She really covered her tracks."

Cragen was frustrated. He knew Olivia needed help. He couldn't figure out a way to find her. He didn't know where to start. Her last recorded step was withdrawing money from her bank account. The bank teller was the last person to see her. Her car had been taken from the garage, but she used self service so there was no attendant to verify she had been there. Olivia's name didn't appear on any passenger manifest leaving New York area airports. It was unclear if she was still in the city, or if she had gone further away. Olivia was using cash so there was no chance of tracking her movements through her credit cards. No one knew where to look, or who to check with. Olivia had no family, and her only friends were all right there in that room.

"I don't understand how she could have fallen off the face of the earth," Fin said. "She's out there somewhere, and she's in trouble. There has to be a way to track her down."

"She isn't a criminal, so we can't put out an APB. She isn't a minor so an amber alert is out of the question," Cragen said.

"But she is mentally ill and a threat to herself. Doesn't that count for something," Casey asked.

Everyone sat around in the squad room thinking of where Olivia could have gone to hide. Elliot ran a check on her ez-pass account, and came up with nothing. He knew that Olivia was smart enough not to use the tags. She was too much of a cop.

"Did anything come up in her apartment," Munch asked.

"Nothing. Not even a vacation brochure. Olivia is so organized that she actually shreds old bills and throws out her junk mail. There were no letters or cards or anything else to go by. Her computer was clean too," Elliot responded.

"Has she ever mentioned a vacation house or talked about a trip she'd like to take," Casey asked Elliot.

"She had been to the Bahamas on the rare occasion that she took a vacation. If she was away on an island somewhere, her name would have shown up."

"Why don't we go back to her apartment? There has to be something there that will point us in the right direction."

Olivia was disgusted. She had to get herself together. She didn't want to spend another night in her room alone. She got cleaned up and went for a walk on the beach. It was February, and still cold outside. She pulled the collar on her coat all the way up. The wind was biting at her face. She was freezing, but felt strangely relieved to be feeling anything at all. The town was desolate. There were few cars on the streets, and even fewer people. Most of the stores and restaurants were closed. This place was much like her own existence; quiet, empty and void of excitement.

Olivia noticed a bar down the street that was open. The one thing she liked about bars was the anonyminity. A person could drink at a bar night after night, and sit and silence; only speaking a few words to the bartender to place their order. She sat down on a stool in the far right corner. The bar was empty, except for one other couple sitting in a booth.

"Manhattan, straight up," Olivia said to the bartender.

She watched the couple on the other side of the room. They made her think of Elliot and herself. She loved Elliot. She had for a long time. He was the only man she had ever truly let into her life. She felt completely at ease with him. Ever since his divorce from Kathy, she had waited for him to make a move. She was still waiting. It was killing her. Olivia felt so alone. She remembered a few weeks ago looking at her myspace. All of her friends she had grown up with were all happily married. Most of them had kids. She was the only one left who was single. This wasn't the life she imagined for herself. She had thrown herself into her job for so long that she neglected everything else. Now she was paying the price.

Olivia had more then a few drinks that night. She was caught somewhere between drunk and sober. She felt a pleasant buzz. She noticed the man sitting beside her had been staring at her. He was good looking. He had dark hair and blue eyes like Elliot. She turned her head and smiled at him.

"I noticed you've been staring at me," Olivia said.

"I couldn't help myself. You're a beautiful woman. My name's Andrew. What's yours?"

"I'm Olivia. What brings you down here this time of year?"

"I'm traveling through on business. I sold some software to the municipal government. I'm heading out to Virginia tomorrow. So what are you doing here this time of year? It's not exactly beach season yet."

Olivia thought as quickly as her boozy mind would allow. "Oh, me? I'm just in town for a few days visiting my elderly aunt."

The liquor took the edge off of Olivia's nerves. She was feeling very comfortable with Andrew. They moved into a nearby booth and spent the rest of the evening talking over a few more drinks. Before they knew it, it was last call.

"Why don't I give you a ride home Olivia?"

"No, it's okay. I'm staying only a few blocks away."

"Well, in that case I'll walk you home."

Olivia agreed. Andrew helped her with her coat and the pair set out walking back to Olivia's rental. When they reached her door, Andrew kissed her goodnight, and turned to go back down the stairs.

"Andrew, why don't you come in for a while."

He hesitated. "Are you sure?"

I'm sure. Come on."

Olivia and Andrew sat on the couch. Olivia knew she was drunk, but she didn't care. She wanted to live for once. She wanted to be free. She leaned in and began kissing Andrew. He looked to her for approval.

"Come on, I know you want this," Olivia said breathlessly.

Things progressed quickly. Before she knew it, Olivia was pulling Andrew's boxer shorts down over his hips. She knew he would like what she was about to offer. Within minutes, Andrew was moaning in pleasure.

Olivia didn't remember how they got into her bed. She must have zoned out. Andrew was on top of her, and she was about to have a mind blowing orgasm. Olivia let go as the waves of pleasure rolled through her body. She couldn't remember the last time she felt so alive.

When Olivia woke up the next morning, Andrew was gone. She thought she may have dreamed the night before until she realized she was naked in bed. She instantly felt pangs of depression. She couldn't believe that she just had a one night stand. The sex was amazing, but now she felt like a slut.

"I can't believe I demeaned myself like that. What was I thinking? I invited a stranger into my bed. I didn't know him! He could have killed me!"

Olivia began crying again. She felt worse then ever. She didn't know to fix herself this time. She was going deeper and deeper into the point of no return. She had to talk to someone. Her hands were shaking as she reached into her night stand to grab the prepaid cell phone she had bought a few days before. She dialed Casey's number. She couldn't face Elliot right now.

"Hello?"

"Casey, its me…"

Author's Note: **Please Please Review.** I need to know that people are still reading. Just click the box that says review!


	13. Chapter 13

Olivia's Dark Nights

Disclaimer: I only borrowed the characters. I'll return them in the same condition I received them in.

Author's Note: I appreciate the reviews! Please keep them coming! I'm glad people are still reading!

**Chapter 13**

"Olivia! Are you okay? Where are you?"

"Casey I'm okay. I'm alive."

Casey could tell Olivia had been crying. She didn't sound good.

"Liv, where are you?"

Olivia didn't answer.

"Olivia, please tell me where you are. We're worried sick."

"Casey I'm not ready to come home yet. Please just understand."

Casey didn't know what to say. She wanted to reach through the phone and hug Olivia. She needed to know where Olivia was. She knew she was not okay and needed help.

"Casey, I don't know what to do. I can't stop."

"Can't stop what Liv? What are you doing?"

Olivia was crying hysterically.

"Casey I can't believe what I've done. I don't even know myself anymore."

Casey's stomach was in knots. She couldn't figure out what Olivia was talking about.

"Casey I'm sorry I called. I didn't mean to bother you."

Olivia hung up the phone.

Casey heard the click. "Hello, Liv, are you there? Hello?" She couldn't believe that Olivia had hung up. Her heart was racing in her chest. Was her best friend okay? What had she done that was so terrible? Casey needed to talk to the guys. She threw her coat on over her pajamas and ran out the door.

All eyes were on Casey as she entered the squad room wearing a black pea coat with striped pajama bottoms and Ugg slippers.

"Is striped flannel all the rage this season in the court room," Munch asked.

"John I don't have time for jokes. Olivia just called me. She was crying. She mentioned she couldn't stop doing something but didn't say what. Then she said she was sorry for calling and hung up. She wouldn't tell me where she was."

"Did she call your house or cell," Cragen asked.

"Cell," she answered as she pulled the phone out of her bag,

"Let's see if they guys in tech can figure out where she called from."

Casey paced around the squad room nervously waiting for news. Every minute felt like an hour. Everything felt surreal. This couldn't be happening in real life.

"Damn it! She used a prepaid," Cragen said coming back into the room. "There has to be some other way of finding her."

"Maybe she'll call Elliot," Fin said. We should call him and tell him to keep a close watch on his phone. If he doesn't answer, she may not call back."

Olivia drank away her guilt about the previous night at the bar. She cut into her arm with fury. Blood had dripped all over the sheets. She didn't know to fix her life. She couldn't just go home. She had no where to go. She had been thinking about it since being in the hospital, but she had now made up her mind. Suicide was her only answer. It was the only solution that would take her out of her misery permanently. This was the only way she could rid herself of the shame she felt. She had the courage to go through with it. All she needed was a plan.

Olivia spent another night drinking at the bar. She invited another stranger into her bed. She was so drunk that she didn't really know what she was doing or what was happening. The next morning, she didn't even remember his name. She didn't remember anything from the night before. She got up and poured herself another drink. Olivia just didn't care anymore. It didn't matter what happened to her. She was going to kill herself anyway.

Fin and Elliot sat in the squad room in silence. Neither knew what to say. They hit a brick wall in the search for Olivia. They were frustrated. They knew Olivia was out there and in trouble, but they couldn't do a damn thing to help her.

"Wait a minute," Fin said. He was starting at a picture on Olivia's desk.

"Is that a picture of Liv and her mom?"

"Yeah, Elliot said. She was just a little kid then."

"Where was that taken?"

The light went on in Elliot's head. It hit him like a ton of bricks.

"Cape May! Olivia's in Cape May! She went there a few times with her mom when she was a kid!"

Elliot ran into Cragen's office. "Cap, I think I know where she is! She has to be in Cape May. Liv's mom took her there a few times. Cape May was the only vacation they took when her mom was sober!"

Cragen stood up from his seat. "I'll call the police department down there. They can keep an eye out for her and her car. You and Fin head down now. Munch, Novak, Warner and I will follow as soon as I can get everyone together."

Olivia went out walking on the beach in only a tank top and panties. It was 28 degrees outside with blustery winds. She was too zoned out to realize how cold she was. She was in a trance. Her mind was flooded with a thousand thoughts that kept replaying like a record. She was thinking about Elliot, about loneliness, about her job, about Casey, about wanting a family, about suicide, about the weather, about death, about a million things, but all at the same time. She couldn't find any peace. She sat down on the frigid sand and put her hands on her head.

"I've got to stop this. I can't do it anymore I'm better off dead then living like this for another second!"

Olivia was able to get her thoughts together and focused on planning her own death. If she had her gun, she would shoot herself point blank. In her current state of mind, she didn't think she'd have any trouble pulling the trigger. Without her gun, things were more complicated. She wished she still had the sleeping pills. A few of those washed down with vodka would do the job effortlessly. She knew a guy at the bar was selling vicoden. Maybe that was her answer. Overdosing would be quick and painless. She could just lay in bed and fall asleep permanently. Olivia couldn't focus. Her mind began racing again. She felt like her thoughts were on fast forward. Everything was a blur. She needed to pull the plug, but couldn't manage to find it.

Three hours later Fin and Elliot arrived in Cape May. They were both on pins and needles. They needed to find Olivia quickly. They had no idea what type of condition she was in. The local police had been searching for her with no luck. The few hotels that were open had no record of an Olivia Benson being registered. They were going to have to search the town on foot. Elliot had a gut feeling that Olivia was here. He could feel her.

Olivia continued wandering down the beach talking to herself. She felt like she had to free herself from her own mind. The constant internal turmoil was making her ill. She needed another drink. That would soothe her. Alcohol was her only comfort.

The search was futile. Olivia was no where to be found. The few people in town hadn't seen Olivia. Fin noticed there was a bar open on the corner.

"Come on man, let's check it out."

The bar was empty except for the bartender and two patrons.

"We're looking for this woman, have you seen her?"

Fin took out Olivia's photo and showed it to the bartender.

"Oh yeah, I know her. She's been here for the past few nights. She usually sits in that corner."

"Was she with anyone," Elliot asked.

"She comes in alone, but she hooks up with someone over the course of the night. She takes the guys home with her. She's a slut if you ask me. Last night she was falling over drunk and left with some sleaze."

Fin and Elliot wanted to punch the bartender for calling Olivia a slut, but were able to contain themselves. Neither of them could imagine Olivia ever acting like that. She would never take strange men back to her apartment. Besides, Olivia wasn't a drunk. As hard as it was to admit, they believed the bartender's story.

Elliot flashed his badge. "If you see her again, please give us a call. That woman is a missing person, and we think she's in trouble."

Cragen and the rest of the squad had arrived and began searching the marina. They checked every boat and shed with no luck.. The town was small, and half of it was shut down because of the winter. There couldn't be many places to hide down here.

Cragen's cell phone rang.

"They found her car, and her hotel room. She's registered as Rachael Hunter, her alias. I don't know why we didn't think of that. She's staying at the Victorian Palace. It's only a few blocks from here."

Cragen called Fin and Elliot and told them to meet the rest of the group at the hotel. They were praying she would be there. Elliot got the key from the manager. They decided to let Casey and Elliot go in first. They didn't want to barge in and scare her.

"Olivia, are you here? Olivia it's Casey and Elliot. Are you in there open the door?"

There was no answer.

"Liv, we have the key. We're coming in."

Casey and Elliot quietly opened the door to the room. It was completely dark. The curtains were drawn. The bed was unmade with the sheets twisted. Casey noticed the blood on the white sheets.

"Elliot, look," Casey said horrified.

"Maybe she has her period?"

Elliot, that's not from her period, trust me."

They looked around the small studio apartment and realized Olivia wasn't there. They knew she had to be staying there. Her bag was there along with her clothes. She had to be coming back.

Elliot's mind flashed back to the conversation he and Fin had with the bartender. He prayed Olivia was not in some stranger's bed. God forbid she was raped. He couldn't think about it.

"There she is," shouted Casey. "She's outside walking on the beach! That has to be her!"

Everyone's eyes widened as they turned to run down the stairs. It had to be her! Please let this nightmare be over!

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Author's Note: What do you guys think? This is going to be E/O very soon! Please keep reading and reviewing! Your reviews keep me going!


	14. Chapter 14

Olivia's Dark Nights

Disclaimer: I only borrowed the characters. They said I could keep them for two weeks. After that the fine is .10 a day.

Author's Note: Please review! It only takes a second!

**Chapter 14**

Elliot and Casey ran down the stairs like a flash of lightening. The rest of the group followed. Elliot was silently praying as he ran. This had to be her. Please God let it be her. They climbed the wooden stairs over the stone wall. The figure they assumed was Olivia was standing in the waves.

"That water is freezing! What is she thinking," Elliot said to Casey.

Casey and Elliot kicked off their shoes and began running across the sand. They screamed her name, Olivia, Olivia! She couldn't hear them over the sounds of the waves. She just stood there motionless as the water flooded over her bare legs. The salt of the water stung her open wounds. Olivia didn't mind. It was good to feel again.

Casey was exhausted but kept running. She had sharp pains in her sides from the exertion, but nothing would stop her. Maybe after all of the worry, her best friend was okay. Casey kept screaming Olivia's name. She hoped she would hear her, but she didn't turn. She didn't know how she would react if the figure in the waves was not Olivia. Finally they were getting close! The water was only feet away. She could see the drop of the sand as they inched closer to the ocean.

"Olivia, is that you," Casey asked.

Olivia turned slowly to see who was talking to her. She stared at her blankly. She hesitated.

"Cas..Casey? Is that you? What are you doing here," Olivia said flatly.

Elliot and Casey instantly noticed Olivia was wearing only panties and a tank top. They could see the damage Olivia had done to her body. She was covered in bloody gashes. Some were still open and oozing bright red blood. It was as if her skin had been shredded. She was so thin. Her skin had a sickeningly bluish tint. Her ribs and vertebrae were visible. Elliot ripped the coat off of his body and wrapped it around her. Casey wrapped her scarf around Olivia's neck.

Elliot spoke up. "Liv we've been searching everywhere! We were worried sick! You disappeared from the hospital without a trace! You scared us to death!"

Olivia had no expression on her face. Her voice held no emotion. She acted as if there was no reason why anyone should have been looking for her. Then, she broke down. She cried harder than either Elliot or Casey had ever seen before. If Elliot wasn't holding her, she would have fallen onto the sand. Cragen, Munch, Fin, and Melinda stood by helplessly and watched her fall apart in front of their eyes.

"I can't do it anymore. My entire life has fallen apart. I'm so alone. It's like I have a huge hole in my heart that I can't fill. My friendships aren't enough. The victims aren't enough. I can't have any of the things I've always dreamed of. I wanted a husband, a baby. My job pushed so many men out of my life. I can't cope. Everything has been taken from me. I have nothing. I will never have anything. So help me god I'm going to kill myself."

Casey's blood ran ice cold down her spine. She couldn't believe what she had just heard. If they didn't arrive when they had, Olivia may have been found dead. She had a horrible feeling that Olivia was telling the truth; that she was prepared to commit suicide. Casey felt guilty. Why hadn't she seen this coming? She should have been there for her friend instead of sitting in some stupid court room! She would commit suicide too if anything happened to Olivia.

Elliot's legs weakened beneath him. He knew what he had just heard, but couldn't process it. He knew how Olivia was feeling. Why didn't he step up? Why didn't he tell her how he felt? He wanted to take their relationship to the next level. He wanted to give her the baby she always wanted. He wanted to be her husband. He had known that for many years now, but never had the courage to speak up. He was divorced from Kathy now. Nothing held him back. Why didn't he tell her? If he had, maybe they wouldn't be standing on this beach right now.

Elliot and Casey guided Olivia back up the beach. Melinda put a blanket over her head and shoulders. She knew Olivia was suffering from hypothermia. Her wounds needed to be cleaned and possibly stitched. She called for a bus to meet them. She couldn't believe Olivia was going through this again. She felt responsible. Melinda knew Olivia wasn't right that last day in the hospital. She should have done something. Why did she leave that room? She felt as if what happened to Olivia was her fault.

Fin, Munch, and Cragen followed silently back to the cars. They felt numb. All of this had happened, and they hadn't done a damn thing to stop it. They knew Olivia was far from "fine," despite what she told them. This should have never happened. Cragen felt like he had betrayed his own daughter.

As Olivia was loaded into the ambulance, she couldn't remember what she was doing out on the beach. Her thoughts began to race again.

"Why was I out there? What the hell was I doing on a beach in February in my underwear? Why would I go in the water? Why didn't I stop myself? What did I put my friends through? I need to end it all! I just want to die and be put out of my misery! Why didn't I take the damn pills?"

Her actions were crashing down on her as she laid in the emergency room. She had never been so cold in her life. Her teeth chattered uncontrollably. Her body trembled. Olivia had changed into warmer clothing, but it made no difference. The doctors were running warm saline into her IV. She was in a heated bed. The chill was so deep in her bones she didn't think it would ever cease. She stared up at the ceiling as a doctor stitched the wounds on her legs and arms that she had inflicted upon herself. She had never in her life felt so out of control.

Olivia took solace in the fact that her friends came to find her. When she escaped from the hospital in New York, she was delusional. She really thought everyone would forget about her like yesterday's coffee. They proved her wrong. It took a lot to open her eyes, but she knew she had at least a family to go to. Olivia knew she wasn't well. All of the things she had been doing were not normal. She scared herself. Olivia realized that she had snapped, and that scared her to her core. It was like her mind and body were two separate entities.

She thought about the past few days and felt sick to her stomach. She couldn't believe what she had done. The drinking and self mutilation was bad enough, but what shook deep down to her soul was that she had slept with two different men off the street. She had sex with two strangers without any protection. She was so drunk that she hardly remembered any of it. She felt disgusting. A million thoughts about what could have happened flooded her brain. She knew she was lucky to be alive.

Olivia couldn't run anymore. She had to face her demons. Running hadn't helped her. It only made the situation worse. Olivia was fiercely independent. The fact that she could no longer help herself was crippling. She had to face up to her illness, or she really would die. She didn't care about herself, but she couldn't do that to her "family."

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I've worked really hard on this chapter. Please oh please give me 10 reviews! It will help motivate me to get the next chapter written sooner!


	15. Chapter 15

Olivia's Dark Nights

Disclaimer: The characters are only on temporary loan. They will be returned to their rightful owner.

**Chapter 15**

Olivia dreamt that she was falling further and further into darkness. There was blackness all around her. There was nothing to grab onto. She was falling into oblivion. She woke up screaming and digging her nails into the mattress. Her heart was racing and her skin was clammy. She was disoriented. It took her a moment to realize where she was.

"Liv, you okay," Casey asked as she quickly dropped the newspaper she was reading.

Olivia looked around the room. She realized everything was fine.

"Yeah…it was only a dream."

Casey was silent as she stared at Olivia. There was so much to say, yet she could say nothing at all.

Olivia noticed Casey looked ill; as if she had not eaten or slept in days. Her normally perfectly straightened hair was pulled back into a messy pony tail. She had dark circles under her eyes. A pang of guilt washed over her as she realized that it was her fault that Casey was in that condition. Casey was so worried about her that she neglected her own health. Olivia felt horrible for being so selfish. She regretted so much from the past few days. She wished with all of her being that she could take it all back. She wasn't just ruining her life, now she was ruining her friend's lives too.

"How are you feeling," Casey asked Olivia.

"Warmer," Olivia replied quietly.

Casey was tired of waiting for answers. She took the opportunity to speak up.

"Olivia, what happened? Why did you do this?"

"Case, I don't know. I snapped. I don't know what came over me. I was delusional. I thought by running away, I could escape all of the things that were haunting me. I was so embarrassed that everyone knew my secret. I was angry. I thought I was going to be locked up in a mental hospital. I didn't think I needed any help. I felt so vulnerable; like I was standing naked for the world to see. At the time it all made sense. Casey, I really snapped. I thought I was okay, and everyone was out to get me. All of the things I did seemed okay at the time. My judgment was completely gone."

Tears welled up in Olivia's eyes.

"Casey I'm so ashamed. I can't believe what I've done."

"Liv, whatever it is, just tell me. I promise it won't leave this room."

"Casey I was so drunk. All I did for the past week was drink. Drink and cut myself. I got so lonely. I didn't want to stay in by myself anymore. So I went out and found a bar that was open."

"Okay," Casey said watching Olivia closely.

"I just kept drinking. I was so drunk I didn't really know what I was doing. I talked to a few guys. Then, the next thing I knew I was bringing them home. Casey I had sex with two strangers. I don't even remember the second guy."

"Did you use protection," Casey asked.

"No, I didn't use anything"

Olivia was crying so hard that she couldn't speak. Olivia leaned in and hugged her.

"Shh, Liv, you have to calm down."

"Casey I can't. I feel so dirty."

"Liv, just get tested.. It'll put your mind to rest. They can do it before you are discharged."

Olivia knew Casey was right, but she felt guilty about even having to ask for the test. She never thought she'd find herself in this situation again. This happened to her once before in college after getting too drunk at a party. She never thought at this stage in her life she would have to face that again. It was humiliating. The urge to cut again was uncontrollable. She hated herself. She was her own worst enemy.

Casey and Olivia sat in a comfortable silence for a few minutes.

"Olivia, are you going to get help this time? I don't think I could survive another round of this," Casey said seriously.

Olivia gazed out the window for a few moments before turning to Casey to answer.

"I've accepted it this time. As much as I hate to admit it, there is something seriously wrong with me that I can't fix on my own. I can't go on pretending I'm happy while I'm falling apart inside. Casey I don't even care about myself, I just can't do it to the people I love."

Casey felt relieved that Olivia admitted to a problem.

"Liv, I'm so relieved. I'll admit that if you weren't willing to seek treatment, I would have gotten the order myself to commit you. You scared the shit out of me when you disappeared. I had visions of you lying dead on some street corner! I thought I would never see you again. Elliot was devastated. I swear he didn't leave the office all week. He was calling your name when he was asleep in the cribs."

Olivia's guilt continued to escalate. Her absence took such a toll on everyone. Why didn't she realize what she was doing to the people she loved? She resolved that she would get help so this wouldn't happen again.

"The doctor said that he would release you tomorrow. Elliot's going to drive you up to the hospital in Westchester in the morning."

"Elliot's here," Olivia asked.

"Yeah, he should be here in a little while. He got a room. He needed to get some sleep and a shower."

"Casey you're not staying?"

"I'm sorry Liv, I can't. I have court first thing in the morning."

"First thing in the morning? Casey it's already two AM!

"Yeah I know. That's why I have to get going. I'll get home around 5, then I'll get cleaned up, and head out. I'm sorry I can't stay tonight. My boss will have my ass if I don't show up tomorrow. I'll stop by to see you tomorrow night though."

"Casey, are you going to be okay driving all the way back to New York at this time of night?"

"I'll be fine Liv. I'm wide awake."

"Promise me you'll call when you arrive."

Casey smiled as she stood up from the chair. She leaned in to hug Olivia goodbye. As Casey stretched to pull her sweater on, Olivia noticed some familiar red slits on Casey's upper arm. She didn't know how to react. Should she say something to Casey? She caught Olivia staring at her, and quickly looked away. Nervously, she put on her coat, and grabbed her bag. Before anything else could be said, Casey opened the door, and said she would see Olivia later that night.

As Olivia laid in the darkness of her hospital room, she wondered if all the drama she stirred caused Casey to cut again, or did Casey lie to her and never stop cutting at all? Casey was the last person in the world Olivia would expect to be a cutter. But, then again Olivia thought people thought the same of herself. She felt guilty that she wasn't there enough for Casey when she needed help.

Elliot arrived at the hospital early the next morning. He had already picked up her things from her hotel room. He wanted to be sure that Olivia made it to Westchester this time. He waited nervously for Olivia to finish getting dressed. He needed to talk to her today. He was going to tell her how he felt. He didn't want to waste another minute. He hoped Olivia would be on the same page with him.

There was a comfortable silence in the car as they headed north on the parkway. Elliot suggested they stop for breakfast. He knew of a good diner in the area that his family used to stop at on their way home from Wildwood. For the first time in weeks, Olivia was hungry. Pancakes sounded pretty good to her. They arrived at Pop's diner and sat in a booth in the corner. Olivia was dying for a good cup of coffee. She hadn't had a decent cup of weeks.

"Hungry man special," Elliot said to the waitress.

"I'll have the large banana nut pancakes," Olivia said.

Elliot was happy to see Olivia order real food. It seemed like she hardly ate these days. She was so thin that she could stand to eat a few large orders of pancakes.

Olivia noticed Elliot was fidgeting in his seat. She knew something was on his mind.

"Elliot is there something wrong?"

Elliot smiled, and looked down. "Nothing wrong really. I just wanted to talk to you about something."

"Okay," she said waiting for him to talk.

Elliot knew it was now or never. This was his chance; he didn't want to blow it.

"Olivia, I love you."

Olivia didn't believe her ears. "What did he just say," she thought to herself.

"Liv, I mean it. I really love you. I have for so long, and I was too scared to admit it. I wanted to tell you after the divorce, but I couldn't find the words. I was afraid you'd reject me."

Olivia was speechless. She didn't know what to say. She had a feeling for years that he felt that way, but she didn't think he'd ever make a move. She loved him too. They were partners, and best friends. She didn't think she could hope for more. She had been waiting for this day for years. Olivia was so happy she thought she was floating.

"Elliot, are you sure you aren't just saying this because of what happened? It put a lot of stress on everyone and…"

"Olivia, no," he cut her off. This isn't something new. It's something I've wanted to say for a long time. I realized if I didn't take action, I could loose you forever. I was so worried I'd never get to tell you!"

Olivia was in such shock she felt like she couldn't breathe. It was like her world had crashed down on her, but in a good way for once. One of her dreams had finally come true. She could finally have the man of her dreams.

"What about work? We can't be partners if we're together."

"I've already talked to Cragen. I explained everything. He gave me his word that we wouldn't be split up as long as our relationship didn't affect our jobs. He said on paper he'd assign us different partners, but everything would stay the same. That way we're covered with IAB."

"El, you've really thought this through."

"I have Olivia. So what do you say? Will you give us a chance?"

"Of course I will, but will you wait for me? I still have to fight this thing that's been controlling me."

"Liv, there's no rush. I'm here. I always have and always will be. Liv, whatever you need, I'm here. You know that."

Things were finally starting to look up for Olivia. She finally had a future to look forward to with a man she loved. She had a "family" to trust in. Maybe she could get through her problems and lead a normal life. Still, deep down she was scared to death that she would snap again, and have another episode. She was thrilled that Elliot finally declared his love, but she knew that his love alone would not cure her problems. All of her issues were still there. She admitted to herself that she still had the desire to cut. She still hated herself. She had a lot of issues to deal with. She was willing to check herself into the hospital. Elliot was hers now. He was her light at the end of her tunnel. She finally had a glimmer of hope. The thing that was gnawing on her mind was Casey. She was worried about her. She needed to know that she was okay. She hoped Casey would come by tonight as she promised.

When Elliot and Olivia got into the car, Elliot asked permission to kiss her. He knew she was still coping with her assault at Sealview, and didn't want to startle her or stir any bad memories of her attack. Olivia didn't answer. Instead, she leaned in and took control of the kiss. She had been waiting a lifetime for this. As their tongues met, she felt an electricity she had never felt before. Everything felt right. Elliot kissed back with an intensity she had never experienced before. She felt as if she could kiss him forever. She was able to let go of everything that had happened and focused on this moment. His scent was intoxicating. As the kiss broke, Olivia could think of nothing more then talking the next step with him.

They drove toward the city holding hands. Olivia told Elliot everything that had happened over the past week. She told him the truth. She didn't hold back. Olivia knew that if they were going to be in a relationship, she had to let him in. She couldn't say she was "fine" forever.

When they arrived at the hospital, Olivia felt anxious. She had never been in a mental hospital before. She was praying it would be nothing like what was portrayed on that movie Girl, Interrupted.

"Elliot, will you stay with me?"

"As long as they'll allow."

They walked through the front doors of the hospital holding hands. Elliot was only allowed to stay long enough to fill out the admitting paperwork. When it was time to say goodbye, he kissed Olivia again and told her he'd be back that evening for visiting hours.

Olivia took a deep breath as he left the room, and she was guided upstairs. This was an entirely new journey.

* * *

Author's Note: As promised, the E/O is here! Thanks a million for the reviews! Please review and let me know what you think! I stayed up all night writing this. I've worked really hard again! Please hit that review button! Another 10 would be great!


	16. Chapter 16

Olivia's Dark Nights

Disclaimer: The characters are only on temporary loan. They will be returned to their rightful owner.

Author's Note: I need some advice. I don't know if I should end this story, and write a sequel, or just continue on with more chapters of this story. Let me know what you think!

**Chapter 16**

Olivia's stomach churned uncontrollably as she was guided up the elevator to her room on the fourth floor. The hospital common areas were more like a middle grade hotel rather than a hospital. They were decorated in warm beige tones with accents of deep burgundy and hunter green. There were faux flower arrangements placed about. However, the decorating did not calm Olivia's nerves.

"Here we are," the nurse said opening the door to room 425.

Olivia looked around the spartan room. The room was much different than the common areas. It reminded her of a college dorm room. It was small with minimal furniture. There was a twin bed with what seemed like a prison grade mattress and a single chest of drawers. There was a small closet in the corner. There was no art on the off-white walls, and no window treatment besides a generic roll up shade. Olivia didn't want to stay in this place.

The nurse placed Olivia's suitcase on the bed and began to unzip it.

"What are you doing? Why are you going through my things," Olivia asked.

"Ms. Benson, it's procedure for patient safety. We have to make sure no contraband is brought into the facility."

Olivia watched in disbelief as the nurse took the headphones from her i-pod, the charging wire, her belt, and her Venus razor.

"I'll also need your shoe laces. We can provide you with a slip on pair."

Olivia stared at the nurse in disbelief. She couldn't believe this was happening to her.

"I will also need to bodily search you."

Olivia thought that going to Rikers would be less invasive. She was seeking treatment at this hospital, and was being treated like a criminal. She wanted out now. She didn't care if she got help or not.

"I don't think this is for me. I think I'd rather go home."

"It's too late Ms. Benson, you've already signed yourself in. You've given us the authority to decide when you are well enough to leave."

Olivia's mind began to race again. She didn't know how she was going to survive this. She didn't even know how long she'd be forced to stay. The thought of staying in that room by herself terrified her. It reminded her of the cell she was locked in at Sealview.

Olivia was humiliated by the strip search. She tried to put out of her mind what was really happening. She tried to turn it all off. She couldn't do it. She felt disgusting having another person violate her like that. After the inspection was done, Olivia was allowed to get dressed again. Without her belt, her jeans were sliding down her hips. She wondered how she could manage to keep her pants up indefinitely without a belt. She couldn't believe that they thought she would hang herself.

"Lunch is at noon. All meals are monitored to insure that you are actually eating them. Your medical evaluation is scheduled for one o'clock. Your initial psychological evaluation is scheduled for three o'clock. Generally, you will have two group therapy sessions per day. You will see your psychiatrist two times a week, and your counselor three times per week. You will see your nutritionist once a week. You are also required to participate in daily activities. You will not be allowed to leave the floor. Over time, you can earn the privilege of going out onto the grounds. You will also earn the privilege of signing out for the weekends. Visiting hours are daily from seven to nine PM. However, if you do not comply with your treatment, you will be suspended from visitation.

Olivia wasn't listening at this point. It didn't matter what the nurse had to say. For all purposes, she was now a prisoner. She fully regretted not killing herself while she had the opportunity. She wished she had that box cutter.

It was quiet at the precinct. The entire squad knew that Olivia had checked into the hospital that morning. They were relieved that she was safe, but knew it had to be tough for her being in a mental hospital.

"How was she when you dropped her off this morning, Fin asked."

"Surprisingly calm. She accepted that she needed help, but I'm not sure what was really going on in her head. They only allowed me to stay until she finished the paperwork for admittance."

"You gonna go up and visit tonight?"

"Not tonight. Casey said she was going up later on. Maybe tomorrow."

"Me and Munch want to go up and see her too. We don't want her to think we forgot about her. It has to be rough in there. We'll go Wednesday."

"Sounds good. I'll let her know."

The walk to her medical evaluation seemed as if it were ten miles long. She dreaded being poked and prodded by an unfamiliar doctor. She didn't want to answer a million personal questions. As she opened the door to the office, she was met by an unexpected surprise.

"Melinda, what are you doing here?"

"Huang called in favor. He thought you'd be more comfortable with someone familiar. God knows nothing about this place is familiar."

Olivia felt relieved. It was comforting to have someone she knew caring for her.

"How are you doing Olivia? Are you okay being here?"

"Melinda I hate it. I'm a prisoner here. I have no privacy. My room is like a cell. I don't know how I'm going to make it."

"Olivia, one day at a time. I know it has to be uncomfortable staying here. Just do what you have to do to get out. We want you back at SVU as soon as possible. Imagine the mess the guys are going to get in without you."

Olivia smiled.

"Olivia, don't forget Huang and myself have you back here. He's seen to it you have only the best psychiatrists and counselors. I'm in charge of your medical needs. The staff knows also that you are a special patient, not just some fruit loop off the street. You're getting only the best care here Olivia. Don't forget that."

"Thanks Melinda, and tell Huang thanks too.

"We may as well get on with this. Let's start with your height and weight."

Olivia stepped on the scale. She was expecting her normal 127 pounds; 130 on a bad day. She was shocked when the readout on the scale read 101. The shock on her face was evident.

"Olivia, did you have any idea you had lost so much weight," Melinda said with concern.

"I really didn't. I mean, I knew I lost a little, but…"

"Olivia, you need to start eating. Your health is at risk. You've always been thin, but you're severely underweight for your height at the moment. Olivia, tell me honestly. Are you suffering from an eating disorder?"

Olivia looked at the doctor. "No, Melinda, honestly I'm not. I'm just…not eating. The entire time I was gone I existed on a few pretzels here and there. When I'm upset, I just don't eat. I've done that for as long as I can remember."

"I'll talk to your nutritionist. She'll work on a diet for you. You need to gain back the weight you've lost. Olivia just promise me you'll start eating. Being underweight can cause serious health problems. Also at your current weight you won't pass the department physical to get back on the job."

"I promise. I want to get healthy and get back to work."

Melinda checked Olivia's heart and lungs, reflexes, and what seemed like every part of her anatomy.

"I need draw some blood."

Olivia flashed back to the unprotected sex she had. She still needed to get tested. She knew Melinda would run the tests confidentially.

"Melinda, I need a favor." Olivia looked down. "While I was "away," I lost control, and had unprotected sex with two different men." Tears were rolling down Olivia's cheeks.

"Melinda I don't know where my mind was. It was so stupid. I drank too much and."

Melinda cut her off. "Olivia don't worry, I'll run a STD screening myself. No names. I'll call you with the results in the morning.

"I really appreciate it."

After her medical exam, Olivia wanted to go back to her room and be by herself. She felt drained after talking to Melinda about what she had done. She couldn't be around people at the moment. Just as she laid down on her bed, there was a knock and her door opened. "Olivia, volleyball in the gym starts in 5 minutes."

"No thanks, I'm not in the mood for volleyball."

"Olivia, I don't know if anyone told you but activities are mandatory. You can't sit in your room and sulk. We'll be expecting you in five minutes."

She couldn't believe this. "Volleyball," she thought to herself. "What is this high school gym class? I hated volleyball then and I still do" Although Olivia didn't want to comply, she knew she had no choice. She didn't want to stir up trouble her first day there. Grudgingly she went down to the gym.

There were about twenty women in the gym when she arrived. Kate, the activities director introduced Olivia to the group.

"This is Olivia. She just started with us today. Everyone welcome her."

Olivia felt awkward being introduced as if she was the new girl in junior high. She looked around at the faces around her. Everyone seemed surprisingly normal.

A woman who was about twenty-five came up to introduce herself personally.

"Hi Olivia, I'm Rosie. Are you staying on the fourth floor?"

"Yeah, I'm in room 425 toward the end of the hall."

"I'm in 429. When did you get here?"

"Just this morning. I just finished my medical evaluation."

"I know that's not fun."

The whistle blew to begin the game.

"Come play on our team," Rosie said to Olivia.

Olivia smiled and accepted the invitation. She took a spot toward the front near the net.

Olivia thought it was odd being locked up in a mental facility and being forced to play volleyball. She thought the days would be more leisurely. Playing the game made Olivia realize how out of shape she was. Moving two feet to try and hit the ball was exhausting. She got winded very easily. Olivia hoped this was a side effect of her extreme weight loss. Luckily for her, the game was not intense.

Olivia sat with Rosie at lunch after volleyball. She introduced her other friends Theresa, Ellen, and Abby. As the conversation progressed, Olivia found out that they were all in the hospital being treated for anorexia. Theresa had made a suicide attempt, and was almost successful. Rosie had been in the hospital for six months. Theresa and Abby had been there for about four months. It scared Olivia that they all had been admitted for such long periods of time. Olivia was hoping to be discharged within a few weeks. She couldn't handle being locked up for six months or longer. Olivia was upset about the possibility of being in the hospital long term. She picked at her lunch of spaghetti and meatballs, but ate very little of it. She knew her eating habits were being scrutinized, but she couldn't force herself to eat. It was like her stomach turned itself off when she was upset. She needed to discuss that with her doctors.

Her psychological evaluation went more smoothly then she had imagined. She told her doctor everything that had happened to her over the past few weeks. She went into detail about mutilating herself, her extreme drinking, even the careless sex. She told her about her assault, and the affects it had on her. Olivia was surprised how easy she was able to open up to the doctor. Olivia had always been a very private person. The only other person she had ever talked to openly was Elliot. Dr. Holmes listened intently to Olivia. When Olivia finished, Dr. Holmes began to speak.

"Olivia, I think you've suffered a major depressive episode. Your extreme depression, stress, and anxiety caused you to disassociate with reality. It's almost like you were mentally separated from your body. It's disturbing to me how you did things, such as sleep with men, and walk on the beach dressed inappropriately, and have no recollection of the events. I'm also very concerned about your eating habits. It's obviously taking a toll on your physical health."

"Dr. Holmes, what do I need to do to get my life back? This isn't me. I've never done anything like this before."

"Olivia, I'm going to start you on anti-depressants. I'm going to start you on Zoloft; 100mg a day to start. At night, you will be taking Xanax to help you sleep. I know you aren't pleased about being on medication, but right now it's a necessity. We can re-evaluate down the road to see if you can be taken off the drugs. You're also going to be going to group therapy with people who are suffering from major depression similar to yourself. I'm also going to assign you to our self-mutilation help group. I can see you have been harming yourself quite severely. That is a major concern that needs to be addressed immediately. I see in your chart that you were hospitalized due to complications from self harm."

Olivia began to cry again on the doctor's couch. This was all too much to hear in one day. It seemed as if it were hopeless. She would never be the "old" Olivia again.

"Olivia I want you to know that none of this is your fault. Being here isn't a punishment. I suspect part of your illness is chemical. There is an imbalance in your brain that is affecting your behavior. With the proper medications and therapy, you will be back to yourself."

"How long will I have to stay here," Olivia asked.

"We can't be sure. It all depends on you, and how you respond to medication and therapy."

After spending almost two hours with Dr. Holmes, Olivia felt a semblance of relief. Someone finally told her she could be fixed; she wasn't broken for life. As much as she hated being on medication, she knew it was necessary to re-enter her normal life. However, it killed her to not know how long she would be admitted to the hospital. She needed a time frame; a date to mark on her calendar. She needed to know when she'd be normal again.

* * *

As always I ask please hit that review button. This one is really long and I spent a lot of time writing it. Let me know what you think! Also let me know if you think I should end the original story and write a sequel about Olivia's treatment.


	17. Chapter 17

Olivia's Dark Nights

Disclaimer: The characters are only on temporary loan. They will be returned to their rightful owner.

Author's Note: Sorry for the delay in chapters. I have really missed writing this! Is anyone still interested in reading? Pretty please review! It rocks my socks!

**Chapter 17**

Olivia was having a hard time adjusting to the routine of the hospital. Everything was so regimented. Everyday things were done according to schedule. Everyone was forced to get up at seven. Meals were served at the same exact second everyday. Therapy and activities were held at the exact same time everyday. Olivia had spent so many years as a cop that she was used to having no set schedule. She worked irregular hours; sometimes a shift would stretch into three days. She ate when she had time, and skipped meals when she was busy. She canceled a lot of dates because of scheduling issues. The strict scheduling made her feel as if she were back in high school with nuns hovering over her to get to class on time. The only things that were missing were the lockers.

A wave of relief washed over her after Melinda called with the negative results of her STD screening that morning. The level of relief she felt was unprecedented. She was still feeling extreme guilt and disgust over what she did, but at least she knew she wouldn't suffer any permanent physical harm from the ordeal.

Olivia was having a hard time opening up in group therapy. She couldn't speak freely in front of a group of strangers. A lot of the other patients seemed a lot "crazier" then she was. Olivia had issues with cutting, but she didn't hear voices or think she was a kangaroo like some other group members. She couldn't relate to people like that. Compared to most other patients, Olivia was normal. She needed to be in group with other normal people. She knew that her therapist was taking notes about her lack of participation, but she had nothing to say to people who were on their own planet.

Individual therapy wasn't quite as bad as group. Olivia was surprisingly comfortable with her therapist. For the first time in her life, she opened up. She didn't say she was "fine." They talked a lot about Olivia's childhood, and how it was growing up with an alcoholic mother. They talked about her career, her love life, or lack there of, and most importantly her relationship with Elliot.

"So Elliot is your partner?"

"Yes, for ten years. We're more then partners. We're best friends. Just recently he told me he loves me."

"How does that make you feel?"

"For the first time in a long time, I don't feel empty inside. I know we're soul mates. He was married for a long time, and recently got divorced. He finally made the move I've been waiting for. I know he has kids, but I think it will actually work out."

"So you've had a lot of bad relationships?"

"I've been the grand marshal of the yutz parade for so long that I'd forgotten what a real relationship is; and what love is. Elliot is like a breath of fresh air."

Later that afternoon, Olivia was sitting on her bed thinking of how things could be with her and Elliot after she returned to normal life. She had wanted a relationship with him for so long that she couldn't believe it had finally happened. She wished he could be here with her now. She wanted him to hold her. She wanted bury her face in his chest, and inhale his intoxicating fragrance. She wanted to be done with this place. It was time to move on with her life.

She hoped Casey would stop by that evening. She got caught up in a trial, and hadn't come to visit yet. She had been worried about her since she noticed the cuts on Casey's arm. Casey was stubborn just like Olivia; when confronted, she would say she was "fine," even if she was dying. She needed to know the truth. She didn't want Casey to have a breakdown like her own.

There was an announcement over the P.A. system. "Arts and Crafts for group E will begin in the art room in ten minutes."

Olivia rolled her eyes. The stupid activities were annoying her. Olivia was a decent artist, something very few people knew about her. She was a studio arts minor in college. She could draw and paint very well. However, "arts and crafts" at the hospital was more of something out of the kinder academy. There were no canvases and paints. Those were replaced with construction paper, glue, feathers, and crayons. She had no idea how kiddie art would help her heal. She had heard of art therapy, but this nonsense was far from that. She forced herself to go down to her assigned activity. After that, she would be forced to endure bingo. She really hoped Casey would come tonight. She needed to talk to someone "real." She needed to get away from this madness, even for an hour.

As she had hoped, Casey arrived promptly after dinner. She was so happy to have a visitor. Now, she could be excused from the evening boring movie.

Casey and Olivia exchanged a huge hug. "Case I'm so glad to see you!" Casey looked exhausted. She looked kind of frail, and had dark circles under her eyes.

"How are you holding up in here? Is it as bad as it looks?"

"Casey it's awful, it's like summer camp for the insane. I'm the most normal person in here, but I'm still lumped together with the fruit loops. The individual therapy is fine, but group therapy is a waste of time. I can't talk about my innermost feelings with people who think they are wild animals, or who think they are being watched by the government through the TV!"

"Munch would fit in just fine here!"

They both laughed,

"Casey they don't let you get a moment of peace. There are forced activities for every second not spent in therapy. Casey, it's all stupid stuff; kiddie crafts, volley ball, flower arranging. This isn't helping at all. My anxiety has increased tenfold since I've been locked up here."

"I'll talk to Huang. Maybe there is something he can do."

"So Casey, how are you doing."

"I'm fine, same old same old. I'm sorry I took so long to get up here. I've had a lot of trial prep for the Hudgens case. I haven't left my office in days."

"Casey you look really worn down. Are you taking care of yourself?"

"I'm okay Liv. Don't worry about me. Just the standard job stress."

Olivia had to say what was on her mind. It was now or never.

"Casey, I know you're still cutting yourself."

Casey looked away from Olivia. She didn't come here to talk about her own problems.

"Seriously Casey, what's going on with you?"

Casey tried to hold in her tears, but was unsuccessful. Her eyes began to glisten with moisture, then heavy tears began to roll down her face.

"I don't even know where to start. You missed a lot since you've been away at the beach, and now here."

"Nick and I finally broke up. He was moving to Miami, and neither of us wanted a long distance relationship. I was sad about it, but in all honesty I think it was time for both of us to move on."

"Casey, I'm sorry. You guys were together for like two years."

"Off and on, yeah, but I'm okay with it. But last week, a few days before you were found, something happened to me.

Olivia's eyes were wide with concern.

I was in my office late. I had horrific cramps. I could barely stand up. I thought I was getting my period. I went to the bathroom, but when I stood up my chair was saturated with blood. When I got to the hospital, the doctor told me I had a miscarriage. I was about eight weeks along. I didn't even know I was pregnant."

Olivia hugged Casey tightly. "I'm so sorry Casey."

"Casey was sobbing. So am I Liv. I mean, I wasn't planning for a baby, and didn't think I wanted a baby, but since the miscarriage, that baby is all I can think about. It's devastating."

"Is that why you've been cutting?"

"Liv, I lied to you. I never actually stopped cutting. I had it under control for a long time, but it never really stopped. After what happened, it got out of control again."

Casey was practically whispering at this point. "Last week I cut my arms so badly I had to go in and get stitches. The last time that happened I was twenty. I was scared Liv. I could recognize the path I was going down."

"Casey what are you going to do?"

"Obviously the doctors knew the injuries were self inflicted. I had to agree to treatment, or they would have forcibly committed me. I spent a few days in the psych ward. Now I'm in therapy three times a week, and I have to check in daily. It's still a serious problem, but it's back under control."

Later that night, Olivia laid in her bed with the covers up to her chin. She kept replaying Casey's story in her mind. She felt guilty that she wasn't there for Casey when she needed her. She could see the emotional toll taken on Casey. She hoped she could overcome her own demons and return to her own life. She was needed. Her friends relied on her. When she wasn't around she was missed. That was comforting to Olivia. She really wasn't alone.

Olivia couldn't fall asleep. After some tossing and turning, she got up and went to the kitchenette for a drink. She was suddenly very thirsty. As she pulled an individual orange juice out of the refrigerator, a woman stepped out from behind the kitchen door, and came up behind Olivia. The hairs on Olivia's neck stood up. The woman grabbed her and held a knife to Olivia's throat. She dragged her out to the main living area.

"She's a spy," the woman screamed. "She's reading my mind! She's stealing my memories! It's a conspiracy!"

Olivia's heart was pounding in her chest. She realized this was Mildred from one of her groups. She seemed to always stare at Olivia. The nurses sprang into action. The alarms began to go off.

"She was sent here to destroy me! She must die!"

Swarms of doctors and nurses were now in the room. The look in this woman's eyes scared Olivia. She had seen that look before. This woman was serious.

"Mildred, calm down. Olivia isn't here to harm you. She is just a patient. Why don't you put the knife down?"

"No, she's a spy! She is transmitting my brainwaves to Sputnik! Gorbachev sent her to destroy me!"

For a moment, Olivia thought she was dreaming. This couldn't be happening to her. This was supposed to be a safe place. They kept the really crazy people housed in a different unit!"

"I need aluminum foil," Mildred screamed. "I need to stop the transmission!"

A doctor nodded, and a nurse went to retrieve a roll of aluminum foil. When she returned, Mildred instructed her to wrap it around Mildred's head. "It's the only way to stop them!"

Mildred pressed the knife deeper into Olivia's skin.

"Mildred, let her go! If you let her go, I'll call Gorbachev and tell him to stop destroying you. He'll listen to me Mildred we're good friends," said a younger doctor.

"Not just Gorbachev! Hitler is after me too! He wants me to lead the troops out of Germany! If he finds out I'm Jewish, he'll kill me!"

"Mildred, we'll hide you here. No one will find you!"

"I don't believe you! She must die! It's the only way to save myself!"

Mildred moved the knife from Olivia's throat and how had it positioned against her cheek. "When I cut her she will bleed green! She's an alien sent by the Russian spies!"

"Mildred, don't hurt her!"

"Victory is mine," Mildred screamed as she slashed the knife across Olivia's face. She pushed her to the floor, and kicked her in the face. Blood began to gush. Olivia was in shock. She didn't feel the blade cut her skin. She didn't remember hitting the floor. Mildred's kick caused an instant horrific pain in her head. She felt something warm and sticky oozing down. Red was pooling around her. Was this her blood? What happened?

This wasn't happening. She was dreaming. She kept waiting to wake up, and nothing happened.

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I feel like I've neglected this story lately. I need to finish it! I want to write a few more chapters, then wrap it up. There may be a sequel. If anyone is still reading, please let me know. Reviews keep me going! Please hit that green button!


	18. Chapter 18

Olivia's Dark Nights

Disclaimer: The characters are only on temporary loan. They will be returned to their rightful owner.

Author's Note: Sorry for the delay in updating.. I missed this story! Hopefully other people did too! Pretty please review! It rocks my socks!

**Chapter 18**

Olivia was rushed to the emergency room of Hudson Valley Hospital. She had suffered a concussion, and needed 21 stitches on her cheek. She was lucky Mildred did not slash her throat as she originally intended. She woke up in the hospital room disoriented. Her vision was blurry. She couldn't make out the faces of the people in the room.

"Olivia, are you awake," she heard a familiar woman's voice say.

"She's waking up," another voice said.

Olivia's vision began to clear. She noticed the pounding pain in her head. She touched her face and felt the roughness of the stitches. She remembered being held by Mildred, but couldn't remember what had happened after that.

"What's going on? Where am I," Olivia asked softly.

"Olivia, you were attacked by a patient. You're in the hospital."

Her eyes finally were able to focus on the face speaking to her. It was Melinda. "How long have I been out?"

"About six hours," Melinda said calmly.

Tears began to form in Olivia's eyes. "Melinda, please don't send me back to that place. I don't think I can bare another moment of it. Those people are crazy. I don't fit in. I.."

Melinda cut her off. She put her hand on Olivia's shoulder. "Shh…Olivia, calm down. Don't worry, you aren't going back there. Huang is filing a formal complaint against the hospital. He is livid. This should have never happened."

"I just want to go home. I need to be in my own bed in my own apartment. Melinda, please let me just go home."

Melinda could see the desperation in Olivia's eyes. She had been through a lot. The hospital was supposed to help her heal. Instead, she was more broken then before.

"We'll work something out. I need to keep you here for twenty-four hours for observation. You have a serious concussion Olivia."

"Then what happens? Can I go home?"

"Huang and I are working it out. We'll talk again in the morning."

Olivia ran her fingers long the stitches on her cheek.

"Will I have a scar?"

"A plastic surgeon friend of mine stitched you up. He said there may be some slight scarring, but nothing that can't be easily corrected."

"Thanks Melinda."

Melinda smiled. "We'll talk in the morning." She placed Olivia's chart on the edge of the bed, and exited the room.

She was relieved knowing she would not be going back to the mental hospital, but Olivia still tossed and turned all night. The monitors annoyed her. The IV in her hand was throbbing. She couldn't believe she was in a hospital again. She was becoming a regular. Soon she'd earn VIP status, and they'd roll out the red carpet when her ambulance pulled up. Her mind continued to race. She thought about so many things at one time that she almost couldn't keep up with herself. She wondered if she was a hopeless case; too far gone to be helped. Maybe she did belong at that hospital. Maybe her mind was so warped that she just couldn't recognize it. After all, how could she know if she was crazy? Maybe her normal wasn't normal. What if she had to spend the rest of her life in an institution? Maybe this was as good as it would get for her. As she continued to think, she could feel her airway constricting. She felt like she couldn't breathe; like someone was standing on her chest. Her heart felt as if it would explode out of her chest. Various alarms started to go off in the room. Melinda came running into the room.

"Olivia, what's wrong?"

She noticed Olivia gasping for breath. She studied the monitors intently. The panic was evident on Olivia's face. Melinda knew from experience Olivia was having a full-fledged panic attack.

She couldn't breathe. Her chest felt tight! She could feel her heart beating in her head.

"Olivia, calm down. Take deep breaths. You are fine now. Nothing is going to happen to you."

Melinda turned up Olivia's oxygen. Melinda rubbed Olivia's back in a soothing manner.

Within a few minutes the attack had passed. It felt like an eternity to Olivia. The symptoms slowly began to fade. She was feeling normal again.

"Melinda I'm sorry. Sometimes I can't control my thoughts. I lose control, then I start to panic."

"I'll prescribe something to relax you so you can get some sleep. Just try to stay calm. We'll discuss everything in the morning. Don't worry Olivia; you aren't under any circumstances going back to that hospital."

Melinda's drug had indeed relaxed Olivia. The next time she woke, sunlight filled the room. She felt a bit groggy, and she still had a massive headache. As she stretched her arms out over her head, she noticed Elliot and Casey sitting in uncomfortable chairs in the far corner of the room sound asleep. Both looked as if they had been awaken in the middle of the night, and hurriedly driven up to Westchester. Casey was still wearing her pajamas. Olivia didn't want to disturb them. They were no doubt exhausted having been woken in the middle of the night. She watched the sun light dance around the room. This morning was the first morning since she had been committed to the hospital that she felt at ease. She finally believed things were looking up. The mental hospital had been one big nightmare. Nothing positive had come out of it. She was anxious to hear what Melinda and Huang had planned for her next. She didn't believe it would be any worse than what she had already endured.

The door opened, and a food service worker entered carrying Olivia's breakfast. The noise woke Elliot and Casey.

"Liv, you're awake," Casey croaked groggily.

"I could say the same for you two. I've been sitting here for half an hour watching you sleep."

"Why didn't you wake us, Elliot asked."

You two need your sleep too. I surmised that you both came in the middle of the night."

"Not really," Casey said with a smile. We got here around 3:30. It was already early morning."

"Did you hear about what happened last night," Olivia asked.

"Yeah, Huang and Melinda filled us in," Elliot said.

"I'm gonna head down and see if I can get us some coffee. I'll be back in a few," Casey said. She got up and exited the room.

"Liv, you okay? That's a nasty scar."

Olivia absently traced the stitches with her finger. "It's not as bad as it looks. Melinda said the scarring will be minimal."

Elliot sat down on the bed. He touched her cheek with the offending gash.

"Does it hurt," he asked.

"It's not so bad," she answered.

"I've missed you so much. He leaned in and began kissing her. Olivia felt chills go down her spine. She had craved his touch for so long. Olivia kissed back with passion. She was afraid she would never see this side of Elliot again. Olivia felt the anticipation tingling between her legs. She was ready for him at that moment. Their moment was interrupted when a nurse came in to check Olivia's vitals. Both Olivia and the nursed blushed with embarrassment. Elliot looked away. She tried to get out of the room as quickly as possible.

Elliot took Olivia's hand in his. "Olivia, I can't wait to have you all the time. I want there to be an us. I'll help you in anyway I can. I just know I can't live without you. I love you Olivia to the depths of my soul."

"Elliot I feel the same way. I've been thinking about us non-stop since this ordeal began. El, I'm gonna get better. I am getting better. I want to put all of this behind me and get on with our lives."

The door opened, and Casey returned with their coffee. She had a sneaking suspicion that she had interrupted their "moment."

"I got some bagels with cream cheese and fruit also. I thought you guys would be hungry too." After looking down at her hospital breakfast tray, Olivia opted for the bagel and fruit. The coffee was the best she had in weeks. Olivia still had not regained her appetite. After only a quarter of the bagel, and a few bites of fruit, she was full. Casey, Olivia, and Elliot sat in the room chatting like everything was fine while eating. Olivia felt more normal than she had in at least a month. It made her feel hopeful; like she could get her life back.

Around 10 o'clock, Melinda and Huang came by. Olivia's stomach churned a bit. She knew exactly what they wanted to talk about.

"Olivia, I'm so sorry this happened to you. Nothing like this has ever happened at that hospital before. They have a spotless record for patient safety. I've already filed a complaint with the county and state."

"It's done. I'm fine," Olivia said quietly. "I really just want to go home."

"That's what we're here to talk about," Melinda said.

Olivia looked at both doctors waiting to her what they would say.

"Liv, we can leave," Elliot and Casey began to say.

"No, stay," Olivia said calmly. They both took their seats.

Huang began to talk. "Obviously Westchester didn't work out for you. The program wasn't a good fit, and it obviously wasn't safe. But, after talking with your therapists and psychiatrists, we all agree that you aren't healed yet. Melinda told me about your panic attack last night. I'm still concerned about the self-mutilation.

"George, I just need to go home. I can't go on like this," Olivia told him.

"I understand Olivia. I think we've come up with a good solution that you'll agree with. There is an intensive outpatient program I've discovered at the Manhattan Women's Center that deals specifically with the aftermath of sexual assault. They also treat a multitude of other problems that you may be dealing with."

Olivia didn't know what Huang meant when he said "other problems she may be dealing with, but she sat quietly and listened as Huang spoke.

"You'd have to go to therapy four times a week, and check in with your doctor a few times a day."

"But I'd be home? What about work," Olivia asked.

"Yes, you'd be staying in your own apartment. Your doctor will decide when you can return to work."

"That's it? All I have to do is go to therapy four times a week, and check in? Sign me up."

Melinda began to speak. "Besides the psychiatric care, Olivia you need to see a nutritionist. You're severely underweight now. Dangerously so. You need to work on regaining some weight. I'm also concerned about your general health. You'll need to check in with me weekly. I'm worried about you Olivia."

"I'll do whatever you both say. I just want to go back to my normal life."

"It's settled," Huang said. "I'll contact the center, and arrange everything."

"I can go home then," Olivia said taking the oxygen tube off of her face."

"Not so fast Olivia," Melinda said. "I said I wanted to keep you for 24 hours. Your time isn't up. I'll release you first thing tomorrow morning."

"But that's more than 24 hours," Olivia whined.

Melinda shook her head. "Keep that up and I'll make it longer. Olivia you had a serious head injury. I won't take any chances."

True to her word, Melinda released Olivia by 9 the next morning. Elliot drove her back to her apartment. She noticed Elliot had cleaned the place for her and put fresh sheets on the bed. He even stocked the fridge.

"Elliot, it feels damn good to be home!"

"You heard Melinda Liv. Even though you're home, you need to rest."

Olivia shook her head. She thought Elliot missed his calling. He should have been a doctor, or maybe a prison guard. As a condition of her release, Elliot would be staying with Olivia for a few weeks. She didn't mind at all. She wanted to make up for lost time.

The first thing Olivia did when she came home was take a shower. She wanted to wash away all of the pain from the past few weeks. She wanted to use her own shower, with her own soap. She was sick to death of institution-issued bath products.

Olivia and Elliot spent the day hanging around the apartment, getting reacquainted. They settled in to watch a movie. Olivia loved being wrapped in Elliot's arms. Around 7, Casey stopped by with dinner. It felt amazing to be around friends again.

Later that night they crawled into bed together. For the moment, Olivia was fine.

* * *

I know I haven't written for a while, but I'm hoping people are still interested! Please review and let me know. If I get enough reviews, I'll try and update tomorrow.


	19. Chapter 19

Olivia's Dark Nights

Disclaimer: If I own the SVU DVD's, does that mean I "own" the characters? I doubt Dick Wolf would agree!

Author's Note: Sorry for the delay in updating. I felt guilty for neglecting this story. I have a little writer's block. Hopefully people are still interested! Pretty please review! It rocks my socks!

**Chapter 19**

After a week of being home, Olivia had settled into a routine. She had therapy Monday through Thursday. She felt comfortable with her therapist. She was a woman about Olivia's age, who had been a rape victim herself. Olivia could open up to her doctor, which made the therapy process less painful. She continued her medication religiously. She was still cutting herself, but slowly learning to control the behavior. Her doctor told her the urge to cut may never fully go away, but Olivia would eventually build up the strength to stop herself. Casey had told her the same thing, although she knew that Casey too was still a cutter on her darkest days. She wondered if she would be a lifelong cutter.

Olivia was having a hard time dealing with her nutritionist. Pam was very strict. She wanted Olivia to keep a food diary, and track every morsel she put into her mouth. She expected her to eat three meals a day; all perfectly balanced. Olivia had never eaten like that in her life. Even as a child, she never ate three regularly scheduled meals a day. On the job, she ate when she had the time. After all these years on the force, she had managed to avoid dying of starvation. Pam expected Olivia to plan her life around her meals, and Olivia wouldn't have it. She found herself making up meals just for the sake of recording something in her journal. Olivia still didn't have much of an appetite. She had only gained one and a half pounds since coming home. She knew Melinda wasn't pleased, but she didn't push the point. However, Melinda stood firm that she wouldn't clear her medically to return to work until she gained at least fifteen pounds.

Things between Elliot and Olivia were going incredibly. They were comfortable together; as if they had been a couple for years. They couldn't stay away from each other. They had sex multiple times per day. Elliot was the most endowed man Olivia had ever slept with. She also felt safe having Elliot in her bed. She slept well for the first time in a long time.

Elliot appeared at her bedroom door holding a huge bag of Chinese food.

"I thought we could eat in here. It would be more comfortable."

"Great idea. I don't even feel like moving. I'm too comfortable."

Olivia & Elliot stuffed themselves with fried dumplings, general tso's chicken, veggie lo-mein, & fortune cookies. When they were done, Elliot leaned in to snuggle up with Olivia.

"Do you want to turn the TV on?" Olivia asked.

"No, I'm fine sitting here watching you." Elliot gazed into her eyes & began to kiss her.

His kiss was intoxicating. Olivia could barely control herself as she began to pull at Elliot's boxers. Without breaking their kiss, he removed her bra with one fluid motion. He caressed her gorgeous breasts. She was still way too thin, but Elliot didn't want to make Olivia feel self conscious. He could feel his erection growing stronger.

Olivia wrapped her legs around his waist as he thrust deep within her. He slid in and out of her with a rhythmic motion. She felt her orgasm building. She moaned with pleasure as she and Elliot climaxed together.

The two woke up the next morning still naked, wrapped in each other's arms. Both Elliot and Olivia were glad to officially be more than "just partners." Olivia wanted to stay in bed and study Elliot's perfect form. Elliot's eyes fluttered open and he pulled Olivia tighter. They laid together for a few more minutes until getting ready for work became inevitable. "Until tonight Liv," Elliot said as he gave her another kiss on the cheek. Olivia could feel the heat building between her legs just thinking about it.

Olivia longed to go back to work. She couldn't take being home while the rest of the world went on without her. The loneliness was eating her up inside. She hated waiting for Elliot to come home to feel alive again. She visited work a few times a week, but it didn't fill the void. She desperately wanted to cut, but tried to resist. In the end, the urge to cut won. Her loneliness, anxiety, and frustration flowed out of her body with each droplet of blood that flowed from her skin. She knew she should have felt remorse for what she did, but all she could feel was relief. She was still cutting herself regularly, but hadn't mentioned it to Elliot or her therapist. Truth be told, she wasn't sure if she wanted to stop. Olivia was more cautious now; after she finished, she cleaned her wounds with antiseptic gel. She didn't want a repeat blood infection.

Later that afternoon, Olivia met up with Casey for lunch.

"How have you been Liv? I miss seeing you everyday."

"I don't like being home Case. It's kind of like being in prison, but without the bars. I don't know what to do with myself all day. I mean yeah, I go to therapy, see my nutritionist, and check in with Melinda. I run a few errands. But other than that my life is empty. Sitting around doing nothing isn't helping at all."

"You really think you're ready to come back?"

"I do Casey. But Melinda won't sign off until I gain a few pounds. I've never had a hard time gaining weight until now. I have no appetite. I have to force myself to eat. The worst part is that I lie to my nutritionist about what I eat. The woman is a food nazi."

Casey smiled. "I know it's a pain Liv, but it will all be over soon."

Olivia noticed Casey was playing with her food. She had only eaten a few bites from her plate.

"Casey, you can't fool me. I know you aren't eating either."

"I'll admit it. I'm not. I've been really depressed lately. I've felt off since losing the baby. I haven't been on top of my game at work either. I feel like I'm living in a fog. I put in for some vacation time, but it got denied. There are too many high profile cases coming up. I don't know how I'm going to continue to suffer through day to day. Sometimes I want to jump out of my office window."

Olivia could see in Casey's eyes that she was serious. "Casey, have you talked to anyone?"

"I'm in therapy three days a week. I'm taking Wellbutrin, and some sleeping pill, but I just don't feel any different. I don't think all the drugs and therapy in the world can help you if it's your life situation that's making you miserable. It sucks Liv. Nick is off in Miami. I miss him more then I thought I would. Then the miscarriage, it's too much all at once. I feel like I'm drowning sometimes." Tears were rolling down Casey's cheeks.

"Casey, I know I'm not the poster child for mental health, but you know I'm always here for you. I don't want you to go down the path I just returned from. Seriously Case, if you need me day or night, just call or stop by. I know exactly what you're going through.

Olivia knew Casey was going through a crisis. It was written all over her face. Even her facial expression had changed. She looked distraught. She was pale. Her eyes looked dead. She hoped Casey wouldn't snap under all of the pressure she was under, emotional, work-related, and otherwise.

As Olivia was walking home from lunch, she wondered about all the people around her who tried to live their everyday lives as if everything was fine, but were secretly crumbling inside. It seemed like everyone had their hidden demons that they desperately tried to cover up. She wondered what her co-workers were hiding. She stopped into Duane Reade on her way home. Her period was due any day now, and she needed to pick up some supplies. As she stood on line to pay, she wished she could look into people's minds and read what they were thinking. She realized maybe Huang's job wasn't so bad after all. As she stood on line to pay, she wished she could look into people's minds and read what they were thinking. She realized maybe Huang's job wasn't so bad after all. He could read people, and get into their heads. She wondered how much he really knew, but was never told.

She cancelled her therapy appointment that evening. She lied to the receptionist and told her she was ill. She was suddenly very tired, and wanted to lay in bed and take a nap. Her eyes were so heavy she could barely stay awake. She hadn't done anything to exert herself. She didn't know where her sudden fatigue came from. She was hoping Elliot would be home relatively early that evening. Hearing Casey talk about losing Nick made her want to hang on even tighter to Elliot. She had waited so long to be with him she couldn't stand the thought of losing him. Before she could give it another thought, she had fallen asleep.

The phone rang when it was already dark outside. Olivia was in such a sound sleep that it took her a minute to realize what the ringing sound was.

"Benson," she answered groggily.

"Liv, it's me. Were you sleeping?"

"I, uh, don't know, I guess," she mumbled incoherently.

"Are you okay, you don't sound like yourself."

"Yeah, just tired," she mumbled.

"Munch and I are on a stake out. I don't know if I'll be home tonight. You gonna be okay by yourself?"

"I'll be fine El. Be careful out there."

"Did you eat yet?"

Olivia looked at the clock on the table. It read 7:30.

"Yeah, I had some Thai, "she lied."

"Good. If you need anything, just give me a call. I'll check up on you later."

"El, I think I'm just gonna go to bed. I'm really tired."

Elliot was concerned. Olivia wasn't normally tired so early in the day, and she rarely went to bed before midnight.

"You sure you're feeling okay?"

"Don't worry El, I'm fine. Just tired. I'll see you when you get home."

"Okay Liv. I love you."

"Love you too," Olivia mumbled as she closed the phone and began to fall asleep again. Within two minutes, Olivia was sound asleep again.

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please send me some review love! I'm hoping to finish this story in the next few chapters, but if I don't have readers anymore, its not worth my time. Please please review!


	20. Chapter 20

Author's Note: I know it's been forever since I've written an update. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get back to this. I hope I still have readers.

Disclaimer: The characters aren't mine. I only borrow them. Please don't sue me, because thanks to my fabulous job, I don't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of.

Olivia's Dark Nights

Chapter 20

Elliot knew there was definitely something up with Olivia. For weeks now, Olivia had barely gotten out of bed. She went to her mandated appointments, came home, and got straight into her pajamas. She was constantly mumbling something about having a terrible headache and being nauseous. Whenever Elliot suggested she see a doctor, she shot him one of her death glares. She insisted that she had seen enough doctors in the past few weeks to last her a lifetime. Elliot knew Olivia was stubborn. He couldn't push much harder without her blowing up. For now, he would just take a step back and keep a close eye on her.

Olivia had been visiting the precinct a few times a week, but her visits had become less and less frequent. The squad had begun to notice.

"Elliot, where's that partner of yours? She ain't been around too much lately," Fin said to Elliot.

"She hasn't been feeling well again. I'm at my wits end. She has been feeling like hell for a few weeks now, but won't go to a doctor. You know how she can be."

Fin nodded. "Just keep an eye on her. We don't want a repeat of what happened."

Elliot shook his head. He was almost certain Olivia hadn't been cutting herself lately. He had seen her naked just yesterday when she got out of the shower. There were no fresh cuts. She hadn't looked physically well for quite a while now, so Elliot couldn't use that to gauge her condition.

"I hope she doesn't have the swine flu. It's all over the news. People put off being treated, and wind up 6 feet under," Munch said.

"Shut up Munch," Fin said obviously annoyed. "She doesn't have the swine flu. The entire squad was vaccinated against the seasonal flu, and the swine flu.

"Olivia wasn't. She kept avoiding Melinda until she finally gave up. Olivia insisted she didn't need the vaccine because she never gets sick," Elliot said rolling his eyes. "I wonder if Melinda would mind paying a house call," Elliot said thoughtfully.

Olivia laid in her bed with the down comforter pulled over her head. The ray of light streaming in through the wooden blinds was annoying her, but she was too comfortable to get up to adjust the window treatment. It was already 11 AM, and she hadn't even gotten out of bed yet. Like most mornings, her head was pounding, and her stomach churning. She knew there was a problem, yet she continued lying to herself that there was nothing wrong. In her mind, if she ignored everything it would go away. She slowly crawled out from under the white fluffy comforter. She had an appointment with the food police in an hour. She hadn't written in her food journal for a few days now. She was sure she'd receive a verbal lashing when she arrived at her nutritionist's office. She'd lie and say she had been eating well, and had just forgotten to record the entries. Truth be told, she hadn't eaten much the past few days. She was entirely too nauseous to keep much down.

Forty minutes later, Olivia was dressed in dark jeans that used to be fitted, and a cashmere charcoal grey cowl neck sweater. Normally she wouldn't go out without her hair and makeup done, but today she didn't have the strength. She was a second away from cancelling her appointment with Doctor Hecht. She wondered to herself why she was putting herself through this; all of these appointments with shrinks and food cops. She wondered if it was really worth it. Was she even getting any better? Everyday she thought about jumping off the roof of her apartment building, and ending it all. That was a little secret she kept to herself. She knew if she admitted it out loud to her therapist, she'd be back in the nut house faster then she could slap a tick. Olivia zipped up her jacket and grabbed her bag and keys as there was a knock on the door.

"Who the hell is knocking on my door? Everyone I know should be at work."

Olivia threw her bag over her shoulder, and unlocked the door.

"Melinda," Olivia asked, surprised at the doctor's presence. "What are you doing here in the middle of the day? Shouldn't you be in the morgue cutting someone up?"

Melinda smiled. "Every once in a while a doctor has to make a house call."

"I hate to disappoint you, but I was just on my way out. I have an appointment with my nutritionist."

"I know. I thought you could use a ride."

Olivia knew Melinda was up to something.

"Why would she drive all the way to my apartment in the middle of the day just to give me a ride up town," she thought to herself.

Olivia eyed Melinda suspiciously. "Alright Melinda, if you don't mind."

She followed Melinda cautiously to her car. Olivia knew she was up to something. Melinda was up to her elbows in corpses and lab work at the morgue. She hardly had the time for social calls in the middle of the work day.

"How have you been Olivia? I haven't seen much of you lately. With this swine flu outbreak, and the general craziness in this city, the entire public health office has been a zoo."

"I'm good. Feeling a lot better lately," Olivia lied.

Melinda knew this was her opportunity. She wasn't one for beating around the bush.

"Olivia are you really feeling better? You look like hell. Elliot told me you haven't been acting like yourself."

"That bastard," Olivia thought to herself. Ratting her out to Melinda was like reporting her to IAB.

Melinda could see the fire burning behind Olivia's eyes.

"Don't be angry Liv. Elliot's worried; Rightfully so after what you've been through recently. What's going on with you?"

Olivia didn't know what to say. She could see the concern in Melinda's eyes.

She didn't want to talk about it. She felt a lump form in the back of her throat. She wanted to hold everything back. She wanted to smile, and pretend all was right in her world. Her emotions had other plans. Tears started welling up in her eyes.

" I….I…don't know what to say," Olivia said sobbing.

Melinda pulled into a parking space. She turned to face Olivia.

"Liv, what's going on? You know you can trust me."

At this point Olivia was sobbing uncontrollably. "Melinda I'm pregnant. I don't know who the father is."

Melinda's reached over to hug Olivia. Olivia was crying so hard she could barely breathe.

"This wasn't supposed to happen. I took the emergency contraception! All these years I've wanted a baby of my own, and then it happens like this! Just as things were going so well with Elliot and I."

Olivia was gasping for air.

Melinda took Olivia's hands in her own. "Liv, calm down. Are you 100% sure that you're pregnant?"

"I took a few box tests, and my OB confirmed it yesterday afternoon. Melinda, I don't know whose it is….1 of the men from the shore, or…"

"Or who Olivia," Melinda asked even though she was pretty sure she already knew the answer.

"Elliot," Olivia said in a very low tone. "We've been together since I came home. We weren't that careful. Melinda, what am I going to do? I can't have a baby like this. I feel like I've become a slut straight off of Jerry Springer."

Melinda didn't know what to say. She certainly didn't expect this. "How far along are you?"

"About eight weeks."

"Melinda could see the fear on Olivia's pale face. She didn't have any advice to offer that wasn't a cliché.

"Olivia, have you spoken to Elliot?"

"No, you're the first person I've told. I can't tell anyone. I'm too ashamed."

"Have you made any decisions?"

"Melinda, I feel so numb I can't even think. All I can do is lay in bed and hide."

"You know that isn't going to change anything Olivia. You need to make a decision for both you and that baby. Olivia, you know I'm here if you"

Olivia wiped her tears. "Thanks Melinda. That means a lot."

"Olivia, why don't you skip your appointment? We'll go for a cup of tea. Talk some more."

She smiled slightly, and wiped her tears with the back of her hand. "Okay, as long as you have the time. I can call and cancel my appointment."

As Melinda drove, Olivia thought to herself about her true plan. Her dark secret that she would have to keep until the time was right.


	21. Chapter 21

Author's Note: I know it's been forever since I've written an update. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get back to this. I hope I still have readers.

Disclaimer: The characters aren't mine. I only borrow them. Please don't sue me, because thanks to my fabulous job, I don't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of.

Olivia's Dark Nights

Chapter 21

Three weeks had passed since Olivia's conversation with Melinda. She had not yet told anyone, including Elliot, about her pregnancy. She had cut off her contact with the outside world. She was no longer attending her therapy sessions, or seeing her nutritionist. She hadn't seen her OBGYN. She hadn't seen or spoken to anyone in weeks.

Every member of the SVU squad had personally come to her apartment to check on her, but she refused to open the door. Olivia just didn't care anymore. She wanted to be left alone. She went as far as to disconnect her home phone, and had her internet service shut off. She wanted nothing to do with anyone.

She had spent most of the past three weeks in her bed. She took an occasional shower, and put clean pajamas on, and got right back into bed. Her curtains in her bedroom remained tightly shut. She didn't care to see the light of day.

She tried to convince herself that everything would work out. She tried to tell herself that she'd have a DNA test to prove that Elliot was the baby's father. However, she couldn't even convince herself of the lies.

This was her fault. She whored herself out to these strange men, drank tremendous amounts of alcohol, and barely remembered doing any of it.

The events of the past few weeks replayed in her mind over and over.

There was no way to change any of it. She couldn't take it back, and make it okay. Now, she had dragged Elliot into this mess.

She had written a note to the SVU squad, apologizing to them for putting them through this hell.

She laid in her bed, staring up at the dark ceiling, gathering her courage.

She took 8 Ambien sleeping pills, washed down with a tumbler of vodka.

Within minutes, she could feel the drugs working their way into her bloodstream.

Just before losing consciousness, she dialed 911, and placed the phone down.

She felt confident that she had done the right thing. Olivia was at peace as she drifted into the final darkness.

Melinda got the call at the medical examiners office to collect the body. She didn't want to believe it was true until seeing the scene for herself. Even though she herself was questioning the ethics behind her actions, she performed a chorionic villus sampling test on Olivia's unborn baby. She had access to Elliot's DNA through his police medical record. The pregnancy was about 11 weeks along. The baby was not Elliot's. Melinda wondered if Olivia had known all along.

* * *

The day of Olivia's funeral was the blackest day the squad had ever faced. There were many tears, and many unanswered questions.

Being that Olivia had no immediate family, Elliot, with the assistance of the squad, planned the funeral.

It was a small service, held at a church about a block away from the house. Olivia had been raised Catholic, even though she was no longer practicing. Elliot thought it was only right that she have a funeral mass.

She was buried in a small cemetery in Queens, in a quiet spot away from the road. The squad contributed for a grave marker with her name, birthday, and date of death.

Elliot had suspected in the last few weeks that something like this was coming. It seemed like there was no helping Olivia anymore. She continued to spiral downward, until hitting rock bottom.

He prayed that her soul was at peace. There was little else that he, or anyone else could do.

Author's Note: I'm sorry for the huge delay. I wanted to thank everyone for reading, and for the reviews.


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